Dear Coleen
I hope you can help me as I’m holding on to bad feelings over something a good friend did about 18 months ago. When I was in the early stages of seeing my boyfriend, she made a big play for him, even though she knew we were together. She even admitted to another friend of ours that she’d always fancied my boyfriend and would love to get together with him.
To cut a long story short, neither of us has ever discussed it, so it’s like an elephant in the room. I did distance myself from her, as I was angry and felt I couldn’t trust her again. However, we’re part of the same friendship group, so I do see her from time to time. Maybe I should be over this but I still feel angry towards her.
The other night she actually had the cheek to confront me over why I’ve backed away from our friendship. Honestly, I was lost for words but still couldn’t bring myself to say how I feel about her and what she did. I almost don’t want to give her the satisfaction and for her to see I’m bothered or to give her any ammo or gossip. But it’s bugging me. Any ideas on how to get closure on this?
Coleen says
First of all, you’ve won on every level. Your friend is the one who looks silly because she’s ruined the friendship. I understand you not wanting a confrontation – I hate arguing, too – but, if I were you, I’d tell her how you feel because I think it’s the only way to feel better about it.
It doesn’t have to be nasty. Simply say, “As far as I’m concerned, we can’t be friends like we were beforehand because friends don’t try to steal your boyfriend.”
Tell her that while you accept you’ll see each other from time to time, you can’t be close again because you were hurt by what she did and you can’t trust her. Do it really calmly and keep in mind you’re with your boyfriend and he saw this woman for who she is, as I’m sure other people did.
And once you’ve said it, move on and don’t allow what happened to affect your relationship or other friendships. If she tries to wind you up or cause trouble, don’t take the bait. She’s obviously not expecting you to call her out on this so, when you do, you might find she backs off and disappears into the background.
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