A good night’s sleep is vital for your health and wellbeing, but when your sleep is constantly disturbed by the person you’re sharing your bed with, it can cause significant problems. Studies have shown that people who share a bed with snorers can be woken up to 21 times per hour, and a severe lack of sleep can lead to issues ranging from depression to stroke – not to mention arguments.
So is divorce the answer? Hopefully not but there is a trend developing between couples known as ‘sleep divorce’. This is where you decide to sleep in separate beds or separate rooms. And while it may sound drastic, if bad sleep and tiredness is the root of most of your disputes, it could be the key to keeping your relationship together.
Recent Google trend data has shown, searches for “sleeping in separate beds” have risen by 159% in the past month, and there are benefits for both of you that can improve not just your sleep quality, but also your relationship.
So what are the benefits of a sleep divorce and how to you broach the subject with your partner? Here sleep expert Martin Seeley from MattressNextDay explains the benefits.
How does lack of sleep affect your wellbeing?
Insufficient sleep has a significant impact on both your mental and physical wellbeing. Lack of sleep leads to higher levels of irritability, anger, frustration – and chronic sleep deprivation can even be linked to depression and anxiety. Sleep deficiency is linked to several health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, kidney disease, diabetes, and stroke.
Chronic insomnia can disrupt how your central nervous system functions, and can prevent your immune system from working as it should. Your body produces antibodies and cytokines – proteins that are essential for growth and activity of immune system and blood cells – while you sleep, and sleep deprivation means these aren’t produced as they should be, making it harder to fight off illnesses.
What can we try before sleep divorce?
Other than putting in some ear plugs and hoping for the best, there are some things you can try before committing to a sleep divorce. The first step is working out exactly what is causing the disturbance. The Scandinavian sleep method could be helpful if you find yourself fighting for the duvet, or one of you is always too hot or too cold. This method involves staying in the same bed, but having separate duvets; this means you can have your preferred tog and be as warm or as cool as you prefer, and not find yourself uncovered in the middle of the night.
If snoring is the issue, try some different methods of minimising the sound. There may be a medical reason for the snoring, so they may benefit from speaker to a doctor, or perhaps they only snore when they’ve been drinking, so it might be helpful to cut out alcohol. You may benefit from speaking to a couple’s therapist who can help you communicate, pinpoint the issues, and find an effective solution together.
What are the benefits of a sleep divorce?
The most immediate benefit is an improved quality of sleep for both of you. No matter how well you slept before, sharing a bed with someone who snores loudly, moves around too much, or has a different work and sleep schedule to you, can have a huge impact. Sleeping apart means that their insomnia can’t be inadvertently passed on to you, and vice versa, and you can both have a better night’s sleep.
Studies have shown that 33% go to bed earlier or later than they would like, to accommodate their partner; this suggests that a third of people are getting less sleep than their body needs, or are laying awake, struggling to sleep, because they’ve gone to bed too early. Being able to have different firmness of mattress, a preferred temperature in the room, and a different bedtime routine, means you can each have the sleep that is best for you, rather than compromising and neither getting exactly what you want.
Sleep deprivation makes you irritable, tense, and can cause resentment if your partner is the reason for your lack of sleep. Research shows that couples who sleep poorly have more marital conflict than those who sleep well. A sleep divorce can help reduce these conflicts, and lead to a happy and more peaceful relationship.
How do I suggest a sleep divorce to my partner?
The timing and setting are important; sit them down and calmly explain why you think it could be beneficial – rather than shouting that you want to sleep separately while in the middle of an argument. Approach it gently, reassuring them that this isn’t a red flag signalling the end of the relationship.
Discuss how it can affect you both, instead of just how your own sleep will be improved. Explain how the lack of sleep affects you both, and how a sleep divorce can be an opportunity to work on your relationship as well as your sleep, with improved moods and increased energy.
As well as how the lack of sleep affects you both, explain how the benefits of a sleep divorce will work for both of you, from allowing you to have different sleep schedules, to being able to have the room at a cooler temperature if one of you prefers it warmer. Discuss the logistics, like whether one of you will move into a separate room or if you’ll just have two beds in one room.
How can we make it work?
Rather than immediately kicking them into the spare room, suggest that you trial a couple of nights to a week of sleeping separately to see the benefits, before deciding on a permanent sleep divorce.
Keep an open communication and continue to discuss how you both think it’s going, so you can adjust as necessary. You might begin by spending every night apart, but decide after some time that you’d like to stay together on weekends when you don’t have to wake up early for work.
Sleeping in separate beds doesn’t mean the intimacy in your relationship is over; agreeing to a sleep divorce shows respect for each other’s needs and wellbeing, which can lead to a deeper bond and a greater effort to be intimate outside of sharing a bed. Make time to connect with quality time, from regular date nights to spending an hour together every night, without distractions like phones and TV, before your separate bedtime routines.
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