It’s no secret that once the honeymoon phase ends, sex with your significant other may not be quite so frequent.
But for Jenelle Sherman, her once passionate connection with her husband dwindled so much, that their marriage became completely devoid of sex.
The 43-year-old wife and mother from Florida met her husband Nathan at a job interview for a mortgage company in 2003.
The pair kicked off a whirlwind romance and, eight months later, they got married on their lunch break.
But, a year later, after the birth of their son Aidan, their spark began to fade, and the pair found themselves at a standstill in the bedroom.
Speaking about her experience, Jennelle said: ‘Nathan went into ‘provider mode’ and was mainly going to work, going out afterwards for drinks with friends (like we used to do), sleeping and watching football.
‘His day-to-day life was relatively the same, although he had two more mouths to feed.’
Jennelle’s life, on the other hand, was ‘completely different’.
She explained she had given up her first real job out of college and ‘unexpectedly’ became a full-time childcare provider for her son, who was ‘hardly sleeping and constantly nursing’.
She added: ‘I was way down on Nathan’s list of priorities. I felt resentment. He still got to go to work, talk to people, and go out for drinks, and I was stuck with somehow the lesser option or the not-as-glamorous life – being a mum.
‘I was exhausted, lonely and growing more bitter by the day.’
It wasn’t long before Jennelle realised the intimacy and passion she and Nathan once enjoyed had completely disappeared.
‘After I got cleared for sex by my doctor, nothing happened for weeks,’ she recalled.
‘I remember Nathan and I on my father’s front porch kissing after a dinner date. It was the first time he had kissed me like that since Aidan was born – and our son was already six months old. It felt like we were so distant like we had become different people.’
With Nathan never at home, Jennelle turned all her attention to Aidan.
‘I signed him up for every class – music, mum-and-baby yoga – you name it. It was just me and Aidan, my little buddy,’ she laughed.
‘But in hindsight, I know focusing solely on my son didn’t help my marriage. I was using Aidan as a distraction from the rejection I felt from Nathan.’
Jennelle’s frustration boiled over into heated arguments as their marriage grew more strained.
‘I brought our lack of intimacy up constantly,’ she recalled. ‘While I knew Nathan thought he was doing what he was supposed to do – work hard and bring home the paycheck – I knew I needed more.’
Jennelle continued: ‘I ended up going back to work, which helped a little, but after a huge fight, Nathan sold my wedding ring. We were on the edge of divorce. I thought it was over.’
The turning point wasn’t immediate. Jennelle openly acknowledges infidelity on her part.
‘That’s what woke Nathan up,’ she shared. ‘He realised the importance of making me feel chosen. It was a painful way to learn that lesson, but it changed things.’
In 2008, they both lost their jobs, hit rock bottom financially, and sought help through counselling. Their counsellor was a Christian, which opened a new chapter in their relationship.
‘We realised that we had walked away from our faith for different reasons, but coming back to God together was a game changer,’ Jennelle noted.
They also committed to several small, practical changes, such as banning screens in the bedroom.
She added: ‘We made time to flirt with each other, even if it was just a quick compliment in the morning or a playful touch at night. We started praying together, reading the Bible.
‘We started going on regular date nights. We had to reconnect as a couple, not just as parents. We were committed to “us”’ time.’
Today, Jennelle and Nathan’s marriage is stronger than ever.
‘There were times when I didn’t think we’d make it,’ Jennelle reflected.
Her advice for couples struggling with intimacy after children?
She said: ‘There is hope. Choose to make, what the Gottman Institute calls, bids and receive bids, this can really turn things around and rebuild intimacy.
‘A bid is any attempt from one partner to get the other’s attention, affection or support. It could be as simple as a comment, a smile, or a request for help. Gottman’s research shows that the couples who consistently turn towards each other’s bids are far more likely to stay together and thrive in their relationship.’
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