Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and feel at quite a low point in my life. I have two children aged two and four, and gave up work to look after them while they’re young.
My husband works full-time in the office and gets home about 7pm most nights, although it’s sometimes later, so I’m on my own all day and don’t have a lot of spare cash to do things with the kids.
I constantly compare myself to all my friends, who seem to be having a much better time – glamorous holidays, interesting jobs, busy social lives and so on. I torture myself by looking through their I nstagram feeds and feel even worse about my situation.
I’ve talked to my mum about it and she said it’s just a phase in my life and it won’t last forever but I’m struggling to see how I can feel better.
My husband is sympathetic and he’s a caring person but he’s also busy with his job and I’m not sure he really understands why I’m unhappy as I chose to give up work to spend time with the children and we’re managing on his wages. Any advice would be appreciated.
Coleen says
Yes, you did choose to give up work to look after the kids while they’re young but it doesn’t mean it won’t be hard sometimes and both exhausting and boring. It’s OK to admit that and still be a brilliant mum who loves her kids.
If you can arrange to have even a couple of hours for yourself every week to do something on your own, it makes a huge difference. Get your nails done, go window shopping, grab a coffee and read a book, meet a friend and just feel young and alive.
Maybe your mum can help and she might also have the kids for the odd Friday or Saturday night, so you can have time with your husband too.
You probably feel guilty moaning to him because he’s at work all day making the money but you shouldn’t. It’s important to communicate and, as obvious as it sounds, one of the benefits of raising kids within a relationship is that you can support each other. But if you’re not being honest about how you feel, then how will he know you’re struggling?
You need to know you’re doing a great job, despite how Instagram is making you feel. We all make this social media mistake, thinking everyone else is getting it right, while we’re not. I do it myself.
Remember, we’re only seeing the best bits of people’s lives – the edited highlights – because no one wants to share the rubbish bits.
But everyone is going through something to a greater or lesser extent. Your mum is right – you will move on from this period.
In the meantime, make a plan about how things could work at home when you’re ready to pick up your career.
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