Dear Coleen
I had a huge argument with my husband a couple of weeks ago. Tensions had been rising for a while over various things, including childcare, work pressures and stuff around the house that needs doing.
However, while I’ve tried to talk it through like a grown up, bringing up the subject several times, he refuses to engage with me. I’ve tried pretty much everything – being affectionate, cooking a special dinner for us, doing drop-offs and pick-ups with the kids to take the pressure off him, but nothing works.
I’m at a point where I’m furious because he’s acting like a child instead of meeting me in the middle and trying to solve these issues. I understand it’s important to confront problems or they just get bigger but how do I do that when he won’t talk to me?
Last week, he went out with his workmates and didn’t even tell me he was going, so I was worried sick when he didn’t show up at home at his usual time and he ignored my texts and calls. How do I deal with someone so sulky and stubborn? I don’t know if I have the energy to try any more.
Coleen says
I feel your pain because I had a similar issue with an ex in the past who would sulk for weeks.
Withdrawing like this is emotionally damaging and can be a passive aggressive way of manipulating the other person. But, for your husband, it could be a coping mechanism and how he’s learned to deal with conflict in the past – by avoiding it.
It’s very draining if you’re on the other side of this behaviour. I put up with it for a long time until I reached breaking point. But, looking back, I do have empathy for my ex because some people just find it very hard to communicate – for whatever reason – so they withdraw.
You could wait until he snaps out of it himself, which he will, and then address it. But, while you’re waiting, I think it’s important to get on with your life as best you can and not to pander to him. Don’t try to bribe him or pick up all the slack at home or walk on eggshells around him. He’s not a sulky child, he’s a grown man.
If you can have a calm conversation, then suggest therapy. I realise it’s a long shot when he can’t even talk to you privately but if he realises you’re at the point of giving up and it could potentially be the end of your relationship, he might agree to it. Good luck.
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