Dear Coleen
An old friend of mine is getting married just before Christmas but hasn’t invited my partner to the wedding, which I’m really upset about.
Long story short, a couple of years ago, my partner and I went to a wedding with the same group of friends and my ex was there. My partner didn’t know anyone, so ended up getting drunk and made an idiot of himself.
He caused a bit of a scene with my ex and the catering staff. When I spoke to this friend who’s getting married, she was apologetic but said she didn’t want to risk my partner doing the same thing at her wedding.
I get it but I was still hurt and I feel bad for him, as he was mortified after the first wedding. We’ve seen this group of friends a few times since, although my partner has opted not to go on several occasions.
He’s probably embarrassed, plus they’re not his kind of people. What should I do? I haven’t told him yet that he’s not invited, so I don’t know if he’ll even be bothered.
I’d like to be there for my friend but I feel uncomfortable going, knowing none of them are willing to give my partner a second chance. What would you do?
Coleen says
If it were me, I’d go to the wedding without my partner. Just because you love him doesn’t mean your friends have to. He’d only be going for you anyway and might get drunk again or have a horrible time and you won’t be able to relax.
It’s a special day for your friend and only one day apart for you and your partner. I know loads of people who don’t invite plus ones because they can’t afford to have them there or only want close friends and family going.
Of course it can feel harsh – a bit like if you’re a parent and there’s a “no kids” policy at a wedding. I also understand you feel caught in the middle but, while we all want people to like our partners, sometimes they just don’t get along.
You’ve said these friends aren’t your partner’s cup of tea anyway. Maybe your friend could have talked to you first before sending out the invites.
But, if I’d been at a wedding where some guy got drunk and caused a scene, I wouldn’t want to risk the same on my wedding day either.
It’s an important, expensive day to ruin and she won’t want the memory to be having to deal with your partner. The way to approach it with him is to say: “I’m going but I know they’re not your kind of people, so you’ve got an out”. Hopefully, you’ll find he’s OK with it.
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