I’m 24 and I’ve never had a boyfriend, but casual sex makes me feel used

How I Do Itsex life

This week we hear from Anita*, a 24-year-old who has never been in a long-term relationship.

Anita thinks her single status is due to a number of factors: she’s extremely fussy, and enjoys being on her own. She also grew up in a predominantly white area, as a mixed-race woman.

Anita explains: ‘I’m Irish and Gambian – I found that people wanted to either sleep with me or date me for a short time, but never wanted to bring me home to their family.’

Anita says this has resulted in extremely low self esteem, as she was often made to feel like she was good enough for the night, but not for anything more.

Two years ago, she moved to London and while she’s been on some fun dates, she’s never made it to girlfriend status.

Now, she’s made a pact with herself. She won’t sleep with someone until she feels completely ‘valued’ them, in an effort to build her self esteem – although that’s not always an easy rule to stick to.

So, without further ado, here’s how Anita got on this week…

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Monday

Today’s a normal Monday, which includes working and spending time with a friend who is visiting for the week.

A lot of my friends are either in relationships or are like me, single and dating, but none of them hold the same reservations as I do when it comes to sex.

When I first started having sex, I would sleep with people for validation rather than genuinely wanting to, and as I got older I felt ashamed of the way my younger self behaved.

It means I often view sex as a negative thing that means I’m ‘easy’, rather than something to enjoy.

As I catch up with friends about my weekend before, I tell them of my night out from the previous Saturday.

I brought home a guy, but when I told him I didn’t want anything physical to happen, he gave me the silent treatment – in my own home. I had to continuously ask him what was wrong.

If anything, I’m relieved I didn’t sleep with this man child, but it also added to my reservations about one night stands, or quickly having sex with someone I don’t know very well. I don’t want to feel used.

While we’re at dinner, my Instagram pings and I receive a bland ‘hey’ from the guy in question. It’s safe to say, I don’t reply.

Tuesday

I wake up feeling some hangxiety and a sense of loneliness so, of course, on to Hinge I go.

I’ve done a lot of self development over the past two years and I would say I’ve come a long way, but at the end of the day I’m human and I do seek attention and love, from time to time.

I’m a lover girl at heart and every time I go on Hinge I expect my knight in shining armour to appear. Today, this isn’t the case.

I’m met with ‘people we think you are compatible with’ who couldn’t be further from my type, and heaps of matches but no messages.

I do consider sending some ‘hey, how are you’ openers, but I don’t think I have another talking stage in me. I’ll just keep my lover girl, fairytale ending mindset that my Prince Charming will come knocking at my door someday (although in reality, that would probably be really weird.)

Wednesday

I’m confined to my house as there’s been some reports of violence nearby, and the police have advised residents to stay home. I wish I had a partner to protect and comfort me.

I receive a few texts from people, who have seen what’s happening on the news. Even some ex-dates reach out to me and tell me to be safe and careful.

It’s interesting because those who do text are the guys I would have pegged as ‘too nice’, who I liked, but not enough.

None of the guys I’ve had more of a sexual connection with contact me at all.

The guy from Saturday is nowhere to be seen. I’m stuck in the house all evening, lonely, scared and sad.

Thursday

I wake up with an extra spring in my step because it’s run club day.

Run club isn’t only a great chance for me to get fitter, it’s also a chance to run with extremely hot men, and hope and pray one of them falls in love with me as I try not to pass out around a track.

I actually heard about run club through a guy I met at speed dating last year. Nothing came of our brief three minute date that night, apart from my new-found love of group running.

I rock up to the club and there’s Mr Speed Date standing with his friends, so I
awkwardly give a wave.

We do eventually get chatting, the vibe is good but I think the idea of falling in love while gasping for air mid run is better in your imagination than it is in reality.

I finish the run and head home. Interesting fact: guys seem to love a girl who can run because my DMs flood after I post my 6.05 per km pace to my Instagram story.

I don’t run for male validation though – I run because it’s something I never thought I could do. I was overweight as a teen and then plagued with ankle issues after an injury. If however, my future husband wants to support my running hobby, that’s an added perk.

Friday

My best friend and I go to see It Ends With Us. As I watch this tumultuous love story unfold it brings up mixed feelings about relationships for me.

As an anxious girl, being in a toxic relationship like the one portrayed on screen is of my biggest fears. I just don’t know how I would react, and I wonder whether I’d be brave enough to leave it.

The portrayal of losing your virginity in the movie is one I sadly can’t resonate with. As Lily and Atlas say the magical “I love you” to another, I remember how my first time was the opposite of this.

There wasn’t any actual love in the air. It was an action of giddiness, childishness and one that wasn’t very memorable at all.

After the movies, we go home and I lay in bed excited for when I do get meaningful, loving sex again. But, for now, we wait.

Saturday

I wake up and go for my 5km run to burn off some pent up energy. Not having sex for a long time really does have its effects. I definitely feel moody more often.

After debating about what our Saturday night plans should be, my friend and I decide we should go out. I’m feeling good. I know I look good and I slip on my trusty little black dress.

I drink some AU Vodka tins to give me some Dutch courage and off we go.

I don’t like to admit it, but I go out in the hopes of finding Mr Right. I always have a little hope that maybe tonight is the night that someone will sweep me off my feet.

We arrive at the venue and I don’t know what’s in the air, but I’m getting more attention than usual.

I end up spending my night speaking to a much older man. As he chats away, I wonder: ‘Is this the way to go? Are the guys I’ve been seeing too young for me?’

Eventually I decide I should go and find my friends. As I’m making my way to the bar, I spot a tall, handsome stranger (cliché I know). Genuinely, it’s extremely rare to spot someone I’m truly attracted to.

I make flirty eyes at him and walk on. A few minutes later I turn around, and there he is, standing next to me. We speak for a while and the sexual tension is there from the beginning. Suddenly all of my celibacy ideas and thoughts I had disappear. I know what I want and I go home with him.

He’s sober, so he drives us back to his. The scene is set with music and dimmed lights. Things escalate pretty quickly and I honestly feel great after it.

Sunday

Waking up at someone else’s house the next morning usually goes one of two ways. It’s awkward, or it’s chill. Thankfully, this experience is the later.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night, and I start to wonder whether having casual sex always has to be a bad thing.

It’s all about my perspective, and how I feel when I’m with the person. I knew my intuition wasn’t aligned with the guy from the week before.

This guy however, is sweet, kind, gentle and caring. He won’t be my husband – I think he’s more of a friends with benefits type – and that’s okay, but it’s also okay to have fun too.

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