Dear Coleen
I love my imaginary boyfriend so much that it kills me he’s not real. For five years, I’ve thought of him every single day. He’s so beautiful and handsome and in my head I make up these scenarios about him and feel so happy. Then I come to realise I’ll never get to meet him in real life.
I’m a 19-year-old university student and I desperately crave a relationship. All I do is dream of being able to find someone to love and cherish. I’m so lovesick that every time I see a couple in a movie, I get so angry and jealous.
While I love the thought of my “boyfriend”, I can’t believe my own imagination has created a man who feels so real to me but isn’t. Every time I leave the house, I look for his face out on the street or in the shops.
It feels like I’m destined to be single forever and the thought of that scares me. I rarely leave the house, so I don’t have the opportunity to meet many people, so how am I supposed to find a guy? Also, whenever I look at most guys, I’m just not sexually attracted to them. Apart from my imaginary boyfriend, no other bloke is attractive to me.
I honestly feel like I’m going crazy. I’m a decent person and I’ve never cared about unimportant stuff, so why does it feel like the idea of finding true love is so out of reach? Why hasn’t it happened for me?
Coleen says
I think the first thing to say is, your fantasy has taken over your real life because you’re so desperate to find someone to fall in love with. What you have to do is fall in love with yourself and start to see all the good things about you and your life.
For example, you’re young and healthy, you’re at uni where there are tons of opportunities, and you’re on the cusp of creating an exciting life for yourself. I think you need to start getting out of the house – don’t waste years sitting at home overthinking and fantasising.
Find out who’s going for a drink or a coffee after class, join a club or a society and start engaging fully with people and life again. That’s how you’ll boost your chances of meeting, not only a partner, but friends, too.
Start with one positive change – even if it’s taking a walk or sitting in a cafe with your laptop – so you don’t feel overwhelmed. If you can keep going your confidence will grow.
Think about having some counselling, too – maybe your uni has a counsellor? It’s good to talk to a professional, who can help put logic back in your head and help you to see a way forward.
In terms of this fantasy boyfriend, he’s perfect in your mind but in real life no one is perfect. You’ve created an ideal man in looks and personality, so of course no one can match up to him. You’ll never find someone who’s perfect, but you can find someone who’s perfect for you.
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