‘Never go home empty-handed.’
That’s the ‘crucial’ parenting motto of none other than Prince William, after he was gifted an American football to take home to his children following a visit to the NFL Foundation in south London this week.
We all know how it feels to be greeted with a souvenir when someone we love comes back from holiday — or even our favourite chocolate bar when they’ve been to the shops — and this was even more delightful when we were children.
Yet, anyone who’s been in a long-term romantic relationship will know that bringing home gifts a la the Prince of Wales doesn’t come naturally to everybody.
That’s because we all have different ways of showing love, and it appears that Will’s preferred method is giving presents.
If this all sounds familiar, you may have already heard of love languages: the five main ways people prefer to give and receive love.
‘The concept, introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, identifies five primary love languages: physical touch, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service,’ relationship psychologist Mairead Molloy tells .
‘The basic idea is that understanding how someone prefers to receive love can strengthen relationships, as people often have different preferences.’
Love languages are most often spoken about in terms of relationships — though some argue that we all have our own friendship love languages and even work love languages.
So what about our parenting love languages?
How each love language looks for parenting
If your love language is physical touch, you’re likely to spend a lot of time giving your child hugs, cuddles, or holding their hand, which according to Mairead, can make them feel secure and loved.
If you’re more of a gift person, you might find yourself offering your child thoughtful gestures and surprises, like a toy or drawing.
Alternatively, if you get all warm and glowy when you hear the words ‘I love you’ or a string of nice compliments, you’re probably going to pass that on to your child.
Telling your child things like ‘I’m proud of you’ can be a real self-esteem booster.
Quality time is all about spending uninterrupted time with your child.
‘Spending focused, undistracted time together, whether playing, reading, or talking, can make a child feel valued,’ says Mairead.
Finally, you might like having things done for you, and that means you’re likely to do extra acts of service for your child, on top of the essentials.
Mairead explains: ‘Helping with homework, preparing a favourite meal, or doing something that makes life easier for them shows care and attentiveness.’
The idea behind love languages is that we often give love the same way we like to receive it, regardless of how that might differ from the people we love. In theory, then, it’s important to understand your significant other’s love language to ensure they feel adequately loved.
And the same apparently goes for children.
‘Psychologically, when parents adjust to their child’s love language, they are nurturing the child’s emotional development,’ says Mairead.
‘While love is essential in any form, expressing it in a way that your child truly receives helps strengthen the parent-child bond. It reassures them emotionally and contributes to their sense of security and well-being.’
To understand your child’s love language, she recommends observing how they show affection or respond to different expressions of love. Work out whether they seek out hugs, crave praise, or get excited by gifts, for example.
‘You can also ask them how they feel most loved, though younger children might not always articulate it clearly,’ Mairead adds.
The important thing to remember is that love languages are more of a guide than a law: they’re a good tool for introspection in your relationships, but they don’t need to be something you live by.
The idea of love languages is based largely on anecdotal evidence, and there’s little research to back up that A) people fit neatly into the separate categories and B) partners who have different primary love languages are less satisfied than those with the same. Not to mention, if love languages are real, they’re likely to be learned rather than inherent.
If they are anything like our attachment styles (another psychological theory that suggests the way we’re brought up impacts how we interact, trust and love other people when we’re older), they most likely develop in our most formative years as a result of our primary caregivers.
Some experts have suggested that your love language is more likely to be a result of what you didn’t receive as a child, so favouring one over the others might even have the opposite of the desired effect.
Still, despite the fact that there isn’t much science to prove where love languages stem from, making the effort to ensure your child is loved is half the battle. And it’s bound to pay off when it comes to their development.
‘At the end of the day, being in a loving home can outweigh many external influences,’ says Mairead.
‘No matter what the child faces outside, parents and caregivers can provide a safe, loving environment that acts as a strong emotional foundation.
‘Even if their way of showing love is different, the child will feel supported, and over time, they will reflect that warmth and care back into the world.’
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