Dear Coleen
I’m a married woman aged 40 and I was having an emotional affair with a colleague for about a year. At first, I couldn’t admit to myself that it was an affair because we never slept together but I know that’s where things were headed.
I used to call him my “work husband” and talk about what great friends we were but, really, we’d fallen into this pattern of inappropriate texting, having intimate lunches, discussing our spouses and we confided in each other rather than them.
I ended it, well, I told him we couldn’t communicate outside of work or discuss anything other than work going forward. I realised it had to stop after I showed my best friend some of his messages and she was shocked to find out how close we’d become, saying I was crazy and it was a betrayal and my husband would be devastated.
She’s right but why do I feel so bad? I miss my relationship with him so much and think I must be a little in love with him. I know he misses it, too, and we’re both miserable at work. We both have kids at primary school and know our lives could be ruined if we took things further. I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
Sometimes emotional affairs are much stronger than affairs where sex is the primary driver and they can be harder to get over. This is because you create a deep bond, you share intimate details (things you should be sharing with your partners) and you care about each other.
You’re right, emotional affairs very often progress to sexual affairs. It’s good you’ve ended it because your husband would see it as a betrayal whether sex was involved or not and he’d be deeply hurt. Of course you’re missing it because it was exciting – it gave you a buzz, it was flirty and fun.
But you have to ask yourself what you’re not getting from your marriage to risk everything for this friendship. Your marriage is obviously struggling and you have to figure out what’s not working. Don’t just accept it, admit it, look at it and work at it if you want the marriage to continue. I don’t think we get drawn into any type of affair unless something is lacking in our relationship.
Maybe it’s boredom, maybe there’s some resentment brewing, maybe you don’t feel attractive or sex isn’t happening. Whatever it is, decide whether you can work on it. Realise an affair isn’t a solution – it’s just an escape and a distraction from the real issue.
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