So, how did your finances fare on Budget Day?
Personally speaking, I did rather nicely, thanks for asking.
Instead of watching that tedious guff on Wednesday afternoon, I popped round to the bookies and stuck 50 quid on Aberdeen to beat Rangers at 3/1.
Think that sounds tasty? I also had a cheeky wee fiver at 100/1 on Phillippe ‘Disappointing’ Clement blaming the defeat on a toenail…
I still can’t believe the high-flying Dons were 3/1 against Gers.
After announcing a £17m annual loss, I wonder if the Ibrox directors were tempted to empty the piggy bank and stick the lot on Aberdeen?
That’s against the rules, of course. But I’m sure ex-player Ian Black would have placed the bet…
On the same night, Celtic beat Dundee 2-0. (I mention this for the benefit of Parkhead punters inside the stadium who were glued to the Rangers game on their phones…)
Talk of a crisis at Ibrox is premature – that starts tomorrow after the 5-0 defeat at Hampden – and there’s no cause for panic.
Sure, Rangers haven’t looked great this season, but I honestly think they’ll stay up.
It’s quite depressing, though. Once again – for the 40th season on the bounce – it’s yet another two-horse race for the title…
Incidentally, I was also quids in this week after hosting the National Federation of Roofing Contractors Awards at the Grand Central Hotel in Glasgow.
The agreed fee wasn’t great but, as I pointed out in my invoice, that was just a quote…
What a laugh when the organiser announced anyone buying raffle tickets could use the card machine if they didn’t have cash.
A roomful of roofers? With no cash? Aye right!
One auction prize up for grabs – dinner for four people with yours truly at a Glasgow restaurant of my choice.
With proceeds to Cystic Fibrosis UK, I’m delighted to say the highest bidder (who paid a whopping £3500) will now join me at the Ho Wong, the best Chinese in Scotland.
I thought about taking the winning team of roofers to Mother India – the best curryhouse in the country – but that might have been dodgy as, well, the Indians don’t really like cowboys.
Like any big awards bash, the champagne corks were soon popping – right from the moment they proposed a toast to the previous week’s Storm Ashley…
KER-CHING!!!
Pre-ceremony, there was a strict embargo on the results and that was tough for yours truly.
Well, apart from my own boss at the Daily Record, I was getting calls from the BBC, the New York Times, etc, all asking the same questions.
“Hey, Tam, who won Best Sheeting & Cladding?”
“Is it true the 2024 Single Ply award is going to last year’s winner?”
“Come on, Tam, at least tell us the nominees for the Bituminous Hot Applied Liquid Waterproofing trophy?”
Like a true pro, however, my lips were sealed…
Anyway, folks, after arriving late at the Grand Central Hotel (sorry, but I couldn’t resist popping into the station and slamming the lid on the fingers of one of those annoying b******* playing the piano) the first category was Best Solar Roof.
Yep, in Scotland!
I’m hoping this was a cash prize so the winner could finally put food on the table for his family…
(A true solar story? One of my pals who worked with a removal firm in Hamilton came across an ornamental sundial in a house they were emptying. “What’s that?” he asked. “It tells the time by the position of the sun in the sky,” explained his boss. “Jeez-oh,” he gasped. “What’ll they think of next…?”)
This was basically the roofing Oscars (I certainly felt like a movie star handing over the gong for Best Supporting Joist) and no doubt about the most prestigious award of the day.
Yep, a standing ovation for the roofer who won Highest Quote Given To A Vulnerable Pensioner With Alzheimer’s For Work That Wasn’t Needing Done In The First Place.
(You’d probably recognise him from Watchdog.)
I’ve already been asked to return as host next year. Only fair, I suppose. Whenever I hire a roofer, I always end up getting HIM back…
PS. Got talking to the boss of an Aberdeen company who has just signed a very lucrative contract in his home city. On the run-up to Christmas Eve, he’s putting the parking meters on all the roofs…
PPS. I’ve never won any awards myself, although I recently came second in a George Clooney lookalike contest. The winner was Lenny Henry.
Years ago at Butlin’s, my 89-year-old grandmother was second in the Glamorous Granny contest… beaten by a 23-year-old lassie fae Airdrie.