Some people may claim their partner asking for a divorce ‘came out of the blue’, but the reality is they’ve probably missed a number of signs things were going downhill.
This lack of awareness itself may even be part of the problem, as while ignorance is bliss, it’s usually the opposite for the person on the other side, who can feel like you’re turning a blind eye to their needs.
According to Leo Tolstoy, ‘What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.’
And that means recognising what’s wrong, so you can work together to make things right.
As the founder of Easy Online Divorce, and the author of multiple books on marriage breakdown, James Brien has seen countless couples go their separate ways.
Here, he shares the six red flags that signal trouble for your relationship — and could mean you’re on course for a split.
Communication breaks down
James says this is one of the earliest stages in marriage breakdown, urging couples: ‘If you’re no longer asking about each other’s days and listening to the responses, then consider why that might be the case.’
‘A solid marriage is built on being able to open up and talk things through,’ he continues. ‘When this starts to slide, it’s a good idea to get things back on track quickly, as over time a lack of communication can mean you start to disconnect emotionally.’
Look into the Gottmann theory of ‘missed bids’, which further explains the importance of feeling seen and heard by a partner.
Warmth and love starts to fade
Hostility and negativity undercutting your interactions is a surefire sign all is not well, James warns.
He explains: ‘If there was once mutual respect and now there’s sarcasm and eye rolls every time you talk, it might be time to discuss your problems with a counsellor.’
Support is lacking
While a healthy marriage means working as a team, this often isn’t the case, with one partner taking on the bulk of practical tasks such as childcare or struggling to find emotional support.
‘Couples need to feel as if their needs are being met,’ says James. ‘If you feel as if you’re picking up all of the chores while the other sits around doing nothing, then this is where resentment can seep in.’
Since resentment is a relationship killer, he advises having a frank discussion on what you both need to help the relationship thrive, and giving each other the time to make changes – don’t leave your feelings to fester or expect your partner to read your mind.
Being intimate doesn’t necessarily mean getting between the sheets.
‘Holding hands and enjoying a cuddle on the sofa can be more intimate than other marital activities,’ says James. ‘There’s no “normal” for being intimate in a relationship.’
However, if what’s not normal for you changes over time, it’s not something that should be ignored, and ‘it’s important to speak to your partner about your needs and re-establish a connection.’
You stop making plans
‘Happy couples will generally share aspirations for the future, whether this means big travel plans or retirement dreams,’ says James.
But if it doesn’t seem like there’ll be a future where you’re together, one or both of you may start planning things on their own, or talking about life events as if the other partner won’t be part of them.
In these cases, it’s worth considering whether your goals still match up and going from there.
You dream about a new life
Comedian Daniel Sloss was blamed for thousands of relationships ending after he posed this question to couples: does the person you’re with really complete your life, or are you just scared of being alone?
In his standup special Jigsaw, he recounted how in one relationship, he started to imagine his girlfriend passing away, allowing him to be free but ensuring he wouldn’t have to break up with her.
It sounds like an extreme example, but dark fantasies of a new life aren’t uncommon when a relationship is struggling.
‘When problems arise in a marriage it can be tempting to look at other options,’ says James. ‘If you find yourself constantly thinking about what else might be on offer then that’s a strong sign things are going in the wrong direction.’
None of these mean things can’t be salvaged, but you need to put in the effort to make that happen. By addressing the problems you face together, with the likes of marriage counselling and self help, you can hopefully avoid divorce taking you by surprise.
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