Dear Coleen
I’m devastated after finding out my husband has cheated on me for a second time. The first time was several years ago when our son was just a baby.
The affair lasted several months and he only ended it when I found messages between him and the other woman, who was someone we both knew well. We worked really hard to stay together and I did it mostly because I felt a responsibility to our son to try. We went to counselling and eventually, things did get better.
Now, though, he’s done it again, this time with a woman he knows from the local pub. It wasn’t a full-blown affair – they slept together a couple of times – but it might have developed into one if a friend hadn’t told me he’d seen them together.
My friends and family are appalled, as they supported me through his first affair and think it’s time to end the marriage. He’s living with his brother at the moment and begging to come home and for me to give him another chance.
Should I? I feel heartbroken, stupid and humiliated. He’s ruined everything we worked so hard to repair. Do people deserve a second chance?
Coleen says
You did give him a second chance and he chose to cheat again. Maybe he expected you to be upset for a while and then you’d take him back, and that can be the problem with giving someone another chance. For some people, it’s a green light to behave how they want because they got away with it.
If you decide to take him back, that’s your call, but do I think there’s a chance he’ll do it again? Yes, because he saw the pain his cheating caused the first time and he was still able to do it again. I cheated once in my life and it caused so much heartache, I vowed never to do it again and I haven’t.
Since then, if I’ve felt something isn’t right in a relationship, I always acknowledge it and talk about it. I don’t know your husband’s motivation – maybe he’s one of these people who constantly needs his ego fed or there’s something deeper going on with your relationship that needs exploring in counselling.
I understand the attitude of your friends and family because they don’t love him like you do and they see him hurting you. It’s easy for them to say, “Don’t go back” because they haven’t built a life and a family with him.
But think of your future and ask yourself if you want to be in a situation where every time he leaves the house you’re wondering if he’s out cheating. Can you trust him again or are you prepared to ignore your doubts? You don’t have to make any knee-jerk decisions but let it be your choice and yours alone.
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