I’m learning to navigate sex after sexual assault — I want to reclaim my body

How I Do Itsex life

For this week’s How I Do It we hear from Kairah* a 29-year-old from East London.

As a bi-curious Black British woman, Kairah grew up in a religious household where speaking about sex was completely off the cards.

‘I was taught that sex was for marriage and, for a while, I believed that – I somewhat still do,’ Kairah explains.

‘I tried to save myself for marriage, but that decision was taken away from me when I was raped at 19.’

Kairah says it took her two years for her to realise that she’d been assaulted and even longer for her to accept it, leaving her relationship with sex ‘tainted’.

And, as a response to her trauma, she fell into a pattern of having casual sex with strangers.

She says: ‘At first, it was great. It felt freeing, in fact. But then I had another occasion where I was assaulted again.

‘Then, I started using casual sex as a coping mechanism.’

Since then, Kairah has tried to only sleep with guys she sees a long-term connection with, but it hasn’t always gone to plan. 

She adds: ‘I enjoy having sex with men who are quite dominant. However, I think this might be a trauma response.

‘I struggle with having ownership of my body due to my assault, so I rarely initiate sex and let men lead.’

Without further ado, here’s how Kairah got on this week…

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I’m meant to be working from home today but I opt to set myself up with my laptop in Shoreditch House, as I’m meeting a work contact here for dinner. I spend the next few hours working and before you know it, it’s time for my meeting.

I find some time to read a few pages of The Right To Sex by Amia Srinivasan. The book explores sex and it’s relationship to gender, class and race.

One specific point that stood out to me is the idea that men don’t know better when it comes to consent. ‘Men have chosen not to listen because it has suited them not to do so because the norms of masculinity dictate that their pleasure takes priority,’  Srinivasan writes.

This is profound as I always gave my abusers grace in the past. I always thought that they didn’t know what they were doing, but they did.

I wake up early to go to the gym for 45 minutes. I love the way I feel after a workout. When I get home, I shower, make some breakfast and start work.

I find my mind drifting to the last time I had sex, which was six weeks ago. Though I’m still committed to not sleeping with random people, I’m a woman with needs, so I allow myself to engage in casual sex as long as it’s with someone I’ve slept with before.

The person I slept with was someone I dated a few months ago. We had our first date in March. He was pretty perfect. Intelligent, good-looking, and empathetic. A big part of my healing journey is also being open with new partners about my abuse. We had sex on our first date, and I decided to tell him I’d been raped a few weeks after.

He was very reassuring and affirming. He thanked me for telling him and said he wanted to have more conversations about how we can make sex a safe place. 

That conversation didn’t happen as his dad has been in and out of hospital and his responses started to get inconsistent so I ended it. However, he’s back in London for the summer so I decided to hit up. 

The sex was quite disappointing. It felt like he was rushing it and didn’t feel as good as I remembered it to be. I thought having sex with him would feel empowering but I felt annoyed.

It’s the last day of my period and I feel super horny. I always feel quite horny on the run-up and during to my menstrual cycle. As I work from home, I contemplate playing with myself but I’ve got quite a lot of things to do today so I put it off. 

I started masturbating at 21. I spent years believing self-pleasure was was wrong due to my Christian upbringing. However, I was bored one day in uni and started watching porn.

It felt weird and unnatural but eventually, I started touching myself and I came. It felt incredible. Since then, I masturbate ever so often. I try not to make a habit of it as I have an addictive personality, but whenever I get tempted to message someone for sex, I wank.

It feels powerful knowing how to pleasure yourself, it’s also a reminder that no one knows my body as well as I do. 

I’ve finished my period but I’m still quite horny. I’m tempted to message someone else I dated this year, Luca*.

Luca* and I slept together on our first date – which was not part of my plan. But, we went to a concert, then back to his and after spending hours speaking to him I felt safe.

Trying to figure out when it’s safe to sleep with someone is tricky, but I usually have a strong intuition. We spoke about our faith, family, mental health issues, and I found his vulnerability attractive.

And the sex was out of this world. He was passionate, caring, and attentive. He was so focused on my pleasure and although I didn’t come (it takes me a while to come because I’m always in my head), it felt amazing. 

After a few weeks, we decided to call it quits as both of us were both struggling with our mental health but I’m tempted to back there again. 

I went to a festival today with some friends, including a close guy friend, Syd*.

On our way there, I told another friend that I felt like something was shifting in my relationship with Syd. I wasn’t sure if it was one-sided, so I wanted to test out the waters.

So, when I saw Syd I kissed him on the cheek and he proceeded to kiss on the cheek too. 

We spent the day holding hands, flirting and eventually, we kissed – this time, properly. We spoke about how there’s always been something looming between us and perhaps we should explore it.

This makes me excited and nervous. The kiss was great. Very intimate but also a bit sexual, which makes me think we could have great sex. But, I don’t want to rush anything as he’s my friend.

I’m nervous to tell him Syd about my rape. I don’t think he’ll judge me and I know he’ll provide space to make me feel safe, but it’s still a daunting conversation to have. We end the night by agreeing to meet for drinks on Monday.

I wake up with hangxiety. Did I really kiss one of my closest friends? I text a bunch of my friends to tell them the gossip. I spend the morning in a state of worry. think about having to have the dreaded conversation with Syd about my rape.

I’m generally okay about discussing it, but what I don’t like, is how some men have made me feel after speaking about it. My ex, in particular, had an awful reaction. Our sex life was a constant point of contention as he often felt like I struggled with intimacy. After speaking about how the assault affects intimacy all he said was: ‘What do you want me to say that?’ That broke me.

I strongly regret not holding him more accountable to these words. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I no longer felt sexually safe in that relationship and had sex with him out of duty rather than desire. 

Since then, I’ve made sure to have this conversation with men very early on so I can know if they’re willing to deal with what comes with having sex with a victim. I wonder if Syd will be able to handle it. 

I love Sundays and the peace that comes with the day. I wake up and make myselfsome French toast before returning to bed.

I play with myself this morning and it feels great. I think about Syd during it. I wonder what sex would be like with him.

When I’m dating someone, I usually have sex very early on. I used to think this was because I had a high sex drive but now I realise that this is partly due to the complicated relationship I have with sex. It’s really hard for me to say no when a man initiates – I’m scared that if I say no, they’ll pressure me to do it anyway.

Since being raped I also struggle with ownership of my body and this is something I really want to reclaim. Teaching myself that I have the right to say no and that my body is my body.

I hope that I can continue to put myself first.

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