Let’s start today’s column with a few fascinating facts. For example, did you know the grey squirrel is one of the most intelligent creatures in the British countryside?
They’re rarely a victim of roadkill as, whenever the furry little creatures see headlights approaching, they very cleverly lie directly between the two beams to let the vehicle pass over it.Yep, the grey squirrel’s only natural predator, it would appear, is the Reliant Robin…
Meanwhile, were you aware that grapes boost vision? That’s what the experts insist and I have to agree. After six glasses of wine last night, I could suddenly see two of everything.
Here’s another cracker. The average sex session in the UK lasts five minutes and 24 seconds. (Personally speaking, I last a lot longer. Mind you, I do have a very old computer…) On that note, what about Viking warrior Erik The Red? It’s believed he bedded – wait for it – 10,000 women! I bet he was hung like a Norse.
And remember, he did it all without any help from Viagra – unlike (and here’s one last bit of trivia) 1970s chart-topping group The Stylistics. Okay, this one’s slightly tongue-in-cheek but, according to a pal who attended their “incredible” concert at the Glasgow Pavilion Theatre on Tuesday, one of the band’s (ahem) members credited their longevity to the performance-enhancing little blue pill.
As well as belting out all their classic hits – You Make Me Feel Brand New, Betcha By Golly Wow, etc – I just wish they’d paid tribute by performing a few of my favourite songs dedicated to Viagra.
Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick, Brass In Pocket, The Only Way Is Up, Stand And Deliver, It Only Takes A Minute, Rocket Man, Love Really Hurts Without You, Ride On Time, Solid As A Rock, You Raise Me Up, Baggy Trousers, Walk Like An Egyptian, Promised You A Miracle, Another Brickie In The Wall, Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down, Knock On Wood, From A Joke To A King, Purple Vein, Heaven Knows I’m Vertical Now, Swords Of A Thousand Men by Tent Pole Tudor, Donald What’s That In Your Troosers and It’s Been A Hard Day’s Night (And I’ve Been Sleeping With A Log).
I love all that nonsense. So I was in my element this week when I read about Aberdeenshire radio station Original 106 playing “chilled canine favourites” to help dogs relax on fireworks night. I just wish I’d been asked to compile the pet pooches’ playlist.
I’d have included Barklife, Hit The Road Jack Russell, Daydream Retriever, Please Re-Leash Me, Long Haired Rover From Liverpool, First Mutt Is The Deepest, Strangers In The Night (Scooby Scooby Doo), The Brown Brown Grass Of Home, A Little Yelp From My Friends, The Old Rugged Crossbreed, Gnawing Me Gnawing You, Don’t Chew Forget About Me, Good Golly Miss Collie, Walkies Like An Egyptian, Up On The Woof, I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do Cat), Native New Yorkie, I Shot The Sheriff (But I Didn’t Shoot The Deputy Dawg), Pearl’s A Springer, Another One Bites The Postman, I Wanna Hold Your Hound, Red Red Whine, Canine To 5, I’m Gonna Sit Right Down And Breed Myself A Litter, Papa’s Got A Brand New Poo Bag. Plus, of course, anything by The Pointer Sisters, Spaniel O’Donnell, Mastiff Little Fingers, The Beagles or Mongrel Jerry…
I played this game with a few pals last week when we went to see the brilliant Only Fools and Horses stage musical at the Theatre Royal in Glasgow. A few tunes that Del Boy & the gang SHOULD have included in the show?
What about The Crystal Chandelier, Mad About The Boyce, Free Nelson Mandela House, Shake, Raquel & Roll, Come On Marlene, Knockin’ On Jevon’s Door, Day Trigger, Bring Your Trotter To The Slaughter and When The Yellow Yellow Robin Reliant Comes Bob Bob Bobbin’ Along…Lovely jubbly!
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