Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my late 30s with a busy job and three kids aged eight and under. My life is chaos sometimes, trying to keep it all together.
My husband works full-time, too, and is a great dad, doing his share of the childcare and house stuff. We need to have quite a strict routine or it would all fall apart.
My problem is, I haven’t felt like sex in ages, which is making me feel very guilty because I love my husband and I’m still madly attracted to him.
I keep avoiding it, which is easy because there’s always something going on that needs my attention, but I know I can’t do that forever. I’ve never been in this situation before – we’ve always had a fun, fulfilling sex life so it’s something I’ve never had to think about or address.
I had a rare night out with some friends last week and one of them said (in a light-hearted way) that when sex goes it’s the beginning of the end, so now I’m panicking. To be honest, we’ve never been the type of people who talk about sex, so I don’t know where to start.
Is it normal to just go off it for no apparent reason?
Coleen says
Well, it doesn’t sound like there’s much time for romance or even just being together to talk or hang out without the kids around. And if that connection isn’t there, I think it’s quite easy for sex to fall off the agenda because you start to feel more like team-mates and less of a couple.
However, what’s important is you’ve spotted your love life needs attention and it’s about figuring out what you do about it.
It’s normal for sex to go through peaks and troughs, as you navigate different life stages and challenges. I think the trap many couples fall into is that they assume they’re going to be together forever, so they take that and each other for granted. I know I’ve been guilty of that in the past. Yes, you’re parents and life is busy and exhausting, but you still have to make time to appreciate each other.
Think about what you do when the kids are tucked up in bed. Do you fall asleep in front of the telly? Do you go to bed at different times? Do you ever sit down and have dinner together? How often do you get a babysitter?
Maybe you can’t have that time together every night, but you can sometimes. If you rebuild a connection, then I think you’ll feel more like sex.
Equally, it’s worth thinking about how stressed you are and ways to manage it (stress is a sex-life killer), and get your hormone levels checked too. Most people find talking about sex awkward, but start the conversation by saying you’d like to find time for romance.
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