Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and I’ve been agonising over my marriage for some time. We’ve only been married two years, but I know this relationship isn’t for me.
I met my wife through work and we got on great and had a lot of fun, and then everything happened quickly – moving in together, engagement and marriage.
We don’t have children which I’m relieved about, given how I feel. My wife is an amazing person, but I don’t love her in the way I should and in the way she deserves to be loved.
I suppose I had some doubts before we married but I put them down to wedding nerves and friends kept telling me it was normal to get the jitters or cold feet before the big day.
But I think I mistook deep friendship and fun for the real thing. I’ve never been unfaithful and don’t want to go down that route, but I have met someone else I’ve fallen for in a big way.
The first time I saw her, it was a stop-the-clocks moment and all I wanted to do was be near her and get to know her. I’ve never felt that way about my wife.
Meeting this woman has confirmed what I already knew – that I need to get out of this marriage. I feel sick because I do love my wife and her family. I know I’m going to break hearts and upset a lot of people. Please give me some advice.
Coleen says
Don’t have an affair – put any ideas of a relationship with this other woman firmly in the background until you’ve had a conversation with your wife and told her how you feel.
I’m afraid there’s no way of ending your marriage without breaking your wife’s heart, but I know it would be a great deal worse if she found out you were having an affair.
Usually, I’d suggest having therapy to see if there’s a way of salvaging the relationship, but if you’re genuinely not happy, not in love and can’t see a way back, that’s what you have to say.
It is horrible breaking someone’s heart but, in the long run, honesty is always the best policy. However, I wouldn’t mention this
other woman – nothing has happened yet and it would only be twisting the knife.
You need to keep the focus on your relationship and why it’s not working for you. But, I’d recommend sitting with the idea of ending your marriage for a while.
Make sure it’s not a head-turning moment where this other woman seems so attractive as she’s unavailable to you. Imagine your life without your wife in it. Will you have any regrets? Will you miss her?
What I’m saying is, don’t make any hasty decisions that you might regret later. And if your wife suggests therapy, I think you should try it because it might not keep you together, but it can help you to separate.
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