Dear Coleen
My parents divorced 10 years ago and it was my mum who left after starting up a relationship with another man. That guy didn’t last, but she’s now with someone else and they’re happily married.
My dad, on the other hand, has struggled to get a life of his own since the divorce. He’s never met anyone special and tends to rely on family for his social life as my mum took most of their friends with her, even though she was the one who blew up the marriage.
I feel so bad for my dad but he doesn’t do much to help himself. He hangs around with us – me, my brothers and our partners – way too much and he’s also too involved with my mum’s life, which I know she struggles to cope with. The bottom line is, I think he still loves her and wishes they were together, but it’s never going to happen.
Now Christmas is fast approaching he’s going to want to spend it with the family, and I know it’ll cause drama with my mum, who won’t want him at her house. Her husband is actually very easygoing and I don’t think he’d mind, as my dad has been at theirs for Christmas and other events in the past.
However, my mum is tired of him hanging around all the time and thinks he needs to get on with his own life. I’d love your opinion.
Coleen says
Divorced couples find different ways to move on but it doesn’t sound as if your parents want the same arrangement, so of course that’s difficult.
I’ve been lucky to stay friends with both my ex-husbands, however, not everyone can maintain a friendship and it seems clear that your mum is at a point where she needs more separation from your dad. Some people want closure on that part of their lives and now you and your siblings are older, your mum probably feels it’s the right time to do that.
If you’re in each other’s lives too much or co-dependent or one partner is still emotionally reliant on the other, then it does make it very difficult to move forward. Maybe this is the time for you and your siblings to step up and help mediate – for example, suggest times when you can all be together and how to divide up the time over Christmas so everyone feels included.
Your dad is still struggling to let go but maybe you can help him to see that it’s stopping him from creating a new life for himself with new people and interests, and from meeting a new partner if he wants to.
He needs your encouragement and support, though, because he’s the one who was betrayed and cast adrift, and he’s desperate not to lose his family. He might have lost his wife in the divorce but maybe he needs reminding and reassuring that he’ll never lose you and your siblings.
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