Dear Eric: I’m a 75-year-old amateur songwriter who enjoys recording what I write. I’m also a widower going on three years. When my wife of 42 years was alive, I wrote songs for and about her and us. I’d record them at home and send the recordings to our boys and in-laws who always responded positively.
I received great joy in sharing my love for my wife and my musical talent.
Now I have a live-in girlfriend whom my boys and family all embrace. Everyone says they’re happy that I’m happy and with someone who fits in well.
Now my songs are about her and us. I recently (naively?) sent out the first of the new recordings to the usual recipients and am troubled about whether to do it again.
One son’s cryptic response made me call him to talk it through. Even though he wants me to be happy, he really doesn’t want to hear my songs that embrace someone new. My other son was more accepting, but less so than before. My brother-in-law said he could only listen to half of the song because he’s still mourning my wife’s passing.
Now I feel like a songwriter who can’t share my songs with the people who matter the most in my life. Of course, we’ve all talked about this, but that doesn’t solve my problem. Is my not sharing this joyful music with my loved ones the only answer?
– Music of the Heart
Dear Music: I just have to say: it’s wonderful that you’re not only a skilled communicator in song, but also in conversation. You’ve saved yourself and everyone else some of the heartache of miscommunication by reaching out to your sons and brother-in-law proactively.
Right now, your loved ones may not be the best audience for the music you’re producing. But your music will continue to evolve and their capacity to receive it may as well. Because the joy of your songs is also intertwined with grief, it’s going to take time.
See how it feels to shift your audience for the time being – perhaps these are just songs for your girlfriend, or other close friends. Also consider an experiment: try expanding your subject matter for a song or two. There might be something else that inspires you to write. And your loved ones may welcome a chance to listen to it and keep this connection.
I know this situation may feel like a rejection at the moment, but know that this is part of the process. The album isn’t over.
Dear Eric: Sitting there bored and hoping to be ignored is me at get-togethers like meals or parties. I have poor hearing even using fine, well-adjusted hearing aids. I’m generally unable to follow one person. And groups never.
I’d much rather be reading or off busy at some hobby, but that would be impolite and inconsiderate of guests. Bad! But they are being inconsiderate of me, and that’s somehow OK?
My wife helps me by repeating snippets or an occasional question if one is asked of me. Avoid those situations? I do it when I can. Otherwise, the only solution that seems acceptable is me wasting an hour or two just sitting in noisy silence trying to look awake and involved: laugh, smile, or frown when others do. Even that fails should I misread the crowd. Do you have any ideas?
– Happy Alone
Dear Happy: It’s not inconsiderate to be mindful of the body that you’re in and the things you need. That may look like telling your wife that social get-togethers are out for you. Which is absolutely fine, as long as you’re happy doing other things. If she won’t accept that, you can talk it through, but you can also be firm. This is what feels right for you.
Another option is restructuring the get-togethers to better accommodate you, which your friends and loved ones should do. Writing down comments and conversation or using a speech-to-text function on a phone or tablet could help you feel included. It’s not too much to ask. I’ve had terrific conversations with hearing-impaired friends using the Notes app, for instance.
Part of the beauty of get-togethers is the opportunity to create a space that meets everyone where they are. For some that means making accommodations for hearing, for others it might be preparing special meals or providing childcare. If you want to be there, they can and should think creatively about how to make that possible and enjoyable. Your wife can help in moving this process along.
But again, if you’d rather be reading a book, don’t deny yourself that enjoyment either. The most important thing is to be vocal about what you need so that those who care about you can help you to get it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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