Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about three months. I’m 30 and she’s 32, and we met online. She has a three-year-old daughter with her ex-partner, which obviously I’m fine with, and she put me in the picture right from the start.
However, she has this arrangement with her ex where they spend every weekend together with their daughter. I understand it’s a sensitive situation and her daughter comes first, but I’m not sure how I fit in when it comes to building a relationship with her.
So far, I’ve done everything on her terms. We usually see each other once or twice during the week (once if her mum can babysit and twice if her ex can take her daughter for another night). This is fine, but I’m on my own every weekend and it also limits what we can do together when we’re both tired from work and she can rarely stay over at mine.
I haven’t met her daughter yet, which I also understand as it’s still early days in our relationship, but I’m just fitting in around her life and don’t have a say in anything. What do you think – is it going nowhere?
Coleen says
When you date someone with a child, the child’s needs do come before yours, so it’s part of the deal I’m afraid and it’s not for everyone. And now you’re living with this situation, maybe you need to consider whether it’s right for you.
However, it’s still early days, as you say, and she hasn’t introduced you to her daughter because she wants to be sure the relationship is going somewhere and you won’t suddenly disappear from their lives.
As for being with her ex and their daughter every weekend, they’re obviously trying to make sure their child is affected as little as possible by the split and I admire that. But, in my experience, making difficult changes when a child is still so young is a better time to do it.
Being together every weekend is probably not something they’ll be able to sustain and it could be more confusing and upsetting for their daughter when it comes to an end at some later stage. However, it’s up to them to work this out and do what’s best for their family.
But I understand how you feel. You found each other on a dating site because you wanted a relationship and it’s difficult when there’s so little time together and certain conditions. If I were you, I’d give it a bit more time because your relationship will develop and her ex will probably also meet someone and want to spend time with her.
My guess is, they’ll have to be more flexible about weekends because they’ll recognise their lives have to move on. If nothing changes in six months then you need to think again about what you want.
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