Dear Coleen
I’M a woman in my 30s, married with one child. You get a lot of letters about affairs and I’ve always thought I’d never be in that situation myself.
Well, I was wrong. My husband has admitted he’s been seeing someone else for several months. I didn’t suspect a thing and feel so stupid and humiliated.
He works a lot so I guess it was easy for him to use work as an excuse when he was meeting her. He’s ended the affair but told me this woman wanted him to leave me and she’s angry.
He said the whole thing made him realise it’s me he wants to be with and he feels so much guilt over ruining things for our family. He cried when he told me, which I’ve never see him do before.
I asked him to leave while I decide what to do.
Despite what he’s done, I love him, so this is confusing. I know all my friends and family will advise me to leave him, which is why I haven’t told them yet.
He couldn’t explain why he had the affair other than he “felt flattered” and “one thing led to another”. He admits he’s been stupid and wishes he could turn back the clock.
Coleen says
OK, we know what he wants but what do you want? It might take time to work that out, so it’s good he’s moved out and you have some space to think.
Don’t make any knee-jerk decisions while you’re feeling hurt and angry.
Take your time – you don’t need to decide anything right now.
And don’t feel you have to tell anyone what’s going on until you’re ready and that might be never.
We all think that we know how we would react in this situation but we have no idea until we’re in it.
It can take a lot of talking and maybe even therapy to get to a point where you know what you want to do. Don’t feel pressured by yourself, by him or by anyone else.
Start by talking and keep talking. There must be other reasons behind the ones he’s given because, most of the time, people who are happy in their relationship and in themselves don’t have affairs. You could work through this with a relationship counsellor.
Your husband now realises what he stands to lose but if you’re generous enough to give him another chance then he needs to be completely honest with you now or you’ll never be able to trust him going forward.
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