Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years and everything was going well until a few weeks ago.
His ex-girlfriend got in touch, saying she was heartbroken after her partner cheated on her and their relationship ended, and she needed a shoulder to cry on.
At first, I felt sorry for her because it sounded like her ex was vile to her and she was in a bad way.
She also lost her home as she’d been living at his house and had to move out.
I get why she wanted to talk to my boyfriend – they were together for years after meeting at college – but it’s been going on for weeks now.
She calls and texts him constantly and he’s even been meeting up with her when she’s feeling low.
I’m starting to get fed up with it and feel it’s affecting our relationship.
She’s become such a big presence in our lives, but when I tried to explain to my boyfriend how I feel, he accused me of being unreasonable and unsympathetic.
I don’t want to talk or hear about this woman any more.
Am I being unreasonable? I’m not sure he’d be quite so understanding if I was comforting one of my exes.
I don’t want to be the bad guy, but what should I do?
Coleen says
It sounds as if you have been understanding, and I get why you feel it’s time for him to take a step back from his ex and put you first.
When you talk to him about it, don’t get angry, but ask him to put himself in your shoes and imagine how he’d feel if you were spending so much of your time with an ex.
Force him to really think about it. If he’s honest, I think he’d admit he wouldn’t like it.
He doesn’t have to cut her off but it’s perfectly reasonable to set some boundaries around how much contact you feel is acceptable.
He needs to think about his priorities – what’s more important? His friendship with his ex or relationship with you?
I’m sure he is just trying to be there for someone he cares for, but it’s probably crossed your mind that his ex might be angling to lure him back, and that’s bound to make you feel edgy and insecure.
Don’t let him gaslight you on this. You have a right to feel how you do and he should be listening.
Don’t miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond. Sign up to our daily newsletter.