A brave mum said she was “trapped in a nightmare” after her postnatal depression caused her to want “nothing to do with her baby”.
Victoria Hewitt was excited to become a mother for the first time – but after suffering a traumatic birth she was unable to bond with her new arrival.
The 30-year-old art teacher, who lives in Cambuslang, became “a shell” of a person after feeling like her “life had been stripped away” after baby Hall Cassidy Hewitt arrived.
Her family feared for her life as she battled the condition which can include suicidal thoughts, severely low moods, panic attacks, and for some people psychosis.
Victoria explained: “I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. I was aware there would be a hormone shift after birth but I never thought it would take everything from me.
“It felt like Hall didn’t belong to me. I was just completely detached and wanted nothing to do with her.
“She is the best thing that ever happened to me, but my [PND] was so overwhelming I just wanted to escape.
“It got to the point I couldn’t go for a bath without someone checking if I was okay and still alive.
“My husband Paul had to hide every painkiller in the house from me as well, I was a complete shell of a person.”
Postnatal depression affects more than one in every 10 women within a year of giving birth.
It can also affect fathers and partners.
The cause of postnatal depression can vary but stressful life events or psychological trauma can trigger it.
Victoria believes her difficult birth may have been a catalyst for her condition after needing an emergency C section as the baby got stuck.
Due to the complications Hall then had to be whisked away, meaning they had no special bonding time after the birth.
Victoria said: “It was a really crazy experience which I was not expecting at all, I am the type of person who needs to have control so to lose it completely was terrifying.
“I was in pain and couldn’t move from the surgery while spending hours without a baby in a room with other mums who had their children.
“When we finally got home my new reality sunk in and I felt like my life had been stripped away from me.”
Things hit a breaking point and Victoria was hospitalised less than a month after Hall was born.
At first she felt scared and reluctant to accept a bed within the Mother and Baby unit at Leverndale Hospital.
However after getting support for her mental health and working with nursery teachers to learn how to bond with her infant, she started to slowly feel better.
Victoria explained: “My family encouraged me to stay at the hospital, it sounded like my worst nightmare at first.
“I wanted to escape and this was the opposite, but I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore.
“At first I would pass Hall to the nurses as often as I could but as I got better I wanted to look after her myself and I enjoyed it.
“My dad always told me things would get better but I never believed him, then one day in the Mother and Baby Unit I noticed a cloud had lifted over me and I knew he was right.
“When flamingos have a baby they lose their pink because they give the baby everything but it eventually comes back. I now have my pink back and love being a mum.”
Now Victoria couldn’t be prouder to be 14-month-old Hall ‘s mother and feels like herself again.
She is even excitedly expecting her second child, something she never dreamed would be possible before.
She hopes by sharing her experience she can break stigmas and help other parents face their own struggles.
Victoria said: “I would look on social media and see all these new mums living their best life and having a magical time, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just feel like that too.
“I felt so much pressure, everyone was just falling in love with their babies right away and I was not feeling how I should. I thought I was selfish and the only person this happens to.
“After I got better and started posting about my experience I started to get lots of messages from other parents who felt the same.
“If you looked at their pictures you never would have thought they were struggling.
“I want to be open about my journey to break down the stigma and show other people they aren’t on their own and help is out there.
“We need to have more conversations about postpartum depression, it could save mothers.”
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