Dear Coleen
My husband and I argue about sex a lot – I want it regularly and all the time, and he doesn’t, which means it’s happening less and less.
These days, if I go to kiss or hug him, he backs off straight away because he doesn’t want it going anywhere, which is a really horrible feeling.
Rejection isn’t nice and I also find it a bit humiliating.
He makes me feel needy and unreasonable when I think he’s the one with the problem. Our sex life used to be pretty good – he was a lot more up for it and it just felt natural and easy.
However, over the past four or five years, he’s changed. I’ll admit he does work hard and also does long hours, but I work too as well as doing most of the stuff for the kids, and it hasn’t affected my libido.
I’m starting now to resent him and often find myself wondering why we’re even together – sex is important for me and it’s a crucial part of a healthy relationship in my opinion.
Surely, it’s not unreasonable to expect to do it more than once a month (if I’m lucky)?
I’d welcome your opinion.
Coleen says
I wonder what your approach has been to this issue – have you actually had a calm conversation about it, or has it been you trying and failing to make it happen and then an argument erupts?
I’m sure there are reasons behind it, but they’re often hard to admit to and talk about.
Maybe he’s stressed, which is a libido killer or perhaps he’s worried about work or money. It might be more to do with how he feels about your relationship and that’s harder to address.
But if someone’s putting a lot of pressure on, it’s such a turn-off. It’s not sexy, it’s annoying.
However, I understand that the situation is making you feel really rubbish about yourself, which makes you crave his attention even more. It really hits your self-esteem hard.
So, try to have a conversation, but make it about him and about your relationship and not about sex. Ask him to explain how he feels, even if he’s worried it might upset you. He needs to be honest, so you can work out what to do about it.
If it turns out you’re just in a rut and he’s feeling over-whelmed by life generally, then make the effort to put time aside to do some nice things together.
If you can rebuild the closeness between you, then sex will be a natural next step.
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