Dear Coleen
I’m a married man in my 30s and have two very young children with my wife. My problem involves my in-laws, who are fantastic people, but I’m getting sick of them outstaying their welcome.
They live 70 miles away, which is a bit of a drive but, even so, I don’t think it justifies them staying with us for a fortnight every time they visit. They came to us for Christmas and stayed for over a week and they’re already talking about Easter plans.
Every holiday is taken up with their visits and it’s getting to the point where it feels intrusive in terms of my relationship with my wife. I have tentatively spoken to her about it, but she has no problem with her parents being here, in fact she loves it because she gets a break from the kids.
Her parents love taking the children out and happily muck in at teatime and bedtime. I wish my wife would think about us more and not just give in to her mum every time she says she’s coming to visit.
It drives me nuts having no privacy and no space when they’re here. And maybe I’d like us to go away on holiday sometimes rather than stay at home.
Coleen says
I think you and your wife need to sit down with a calendar and come up with a plan that you’re both happy with. Don’t just leave it till the holidays roll around and your in-laws are standing on your doorstep with their suitcases.
For example, maybe they could visit for a few days at Easter and then you and your wife, and children could go away for a few nights on your own? And if your in-laws relish their roles as grandparents, then couldn’t they take the kids for the odd weekend, too, so you and your wife can get away together?
But tread carefully because you don’t want to upset them. You say you get on well with them and it sounds as if they’re fabulous grandparents, as well as being a big help with the kids, so you don’t want to jeopardise any of that stuff.
Try to have a calm conversation with your wife without blaming her parents for anything, and explain you’d like to find a compromise, so you have more time on your own with her and the kids. And make sure you also say how great her parents are and how much you appreciate them.
I’m a mother and a grandmother and I’d be mortified if I thought I was intruding in any way, and I’m sure the same would be true for your in-laws but, trust me, there’s always a compromise that keeps everyone happy.
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