Dear Coleen
Lately, I’ve been struggling to cope with my mum, who I’d call a semi-functioning alcoholic.
She drinks in secret regularly but sometimes she loses control and succumbs to a huge binge and that’s when it gets really messy. She finally admitted she has a problem but AA didn’t work for her and she stopped going.
She also went to a residential rehab facility, which cost a fortune, but she was drinking again within two weeks of coming out. My dad left her over her drinking, which I don’t blame him for, but it means she’s been living on her own for a couple of years.
I have two young children now and it’s upsetting that she’s missing these years with them. I can’t count on her like my friends can count on their mums to babysit and be there for support, and I resent her for it – instead I’m the one being a parent to her.
My husband is supportive, but he doesn’t get what it’s like to grow up with a mother like mine and gets exasperated when I have to drop everything to go and help her.
I’ve had to bail her out of many awful situations – arrested for shoplifting (not deliberate, but so drunk she forgot to pay), losing her wallet, losing her keys, being the last to leave the local pub and unable to get home on her own. She’s fallen and hurt herself countless times. I’m at the end of my tether and feel anxious all the time, wondering what’s next.
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Coleen says
It’s such a difficult and stressful situation to be in. You can do everything in your power to help her but, the truth is, no one else can fix it. She has to fix it.
Maybe AA didn’t work because your mum isn’t ready for it to work and I understand how frustrating that is for you. You’ve been amazing because there are plenty of people out there who will tell you that you need to “get tough” and “take away the safety net” and so on.
Well, if you’ve ever been in this situation with a friend or a loved one, then you’ll know it’s easy to talk about tough love but putting it into practice is a lot harder. It’s hard to cut the cord. She’s your mum, you love her and you want to keep her safe but it’s taking a toll on you and your family.
You need support from people who’ve been there and know what you’re going through. I’m sure you’re familiar with Al-Anon, which supports people affected by a friend’s or family member’s drinking (visit al-anonuk.org.uk or call the helpline on 0800 0086 811). Maybe you resent taking time out to be at local meetings (or virtual meetings), but as well-meaning as your friends might be, they can’t really understand what you’re going through. You don’t have to deal with this alone.
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