Dear Coleen
I’m a 21-year-old gay guy and I recently came out to my family, although I’m sure that they’d suspected it for some time, so it didn’t come as a total surprise.
My parents have been very cool about it – supportive, but also giving me space, so I haven’t been bombarded with questions – however, my brother, who’s two years older has had a weird reaction.
I never took him for someone who’s small-minded and dismissive, but that’s how he came across. When I came out, he just said, “Whatever bro, it’s your life” – it was like it meant nothing to him.
I’m shocked he hasn’t acknowledged it more and seems totally disinterested, as we were close growing up. His girlfriend on the other hand has been amazing. She called me up to tell me how proud she is of me and that she understood it must have taken some guts.
How do I approach my brother about this? I feel annoyed with him, so I don’t want to make things worse. I can’t make him talk to me, but I feel I deserve more than a “whatever, bro”.
What do you think?
Coleen says
OK, I’ve heard worse responses, but maybe it was a bit of shock or because he wasn’t surprised at all and has known for years.
Maybe he was embarrassed because he didn’t know how to respond in the moment, or he could have been trying too hard to come across like it was no big deal and he was on board with it.
But I’m afraid the only way to get peace of mind is to ask him – calmly. When you’re on your own with him, just say, “I was wondering how you felt about me coming out and if it’s bothered you because I don’t want it to change things between us”. You could also ask his girlfriend, as it sounds like you get on well with her.
You’re obviously worrying because your older brother means a lot to you. It’s natural to want his approval and for him to be happy for you.
I get it but, at the end of the day, you don’t need validation from anyone. It is a big deal coming out and it takes courage and strength to stand in front of your loved ones and say, “This is who I am”, even if you think that they already know. You should be feeling so positive about that and about yourself.
Some people are just rubbish at expressing emotion and communicating how they feel, and perhaps your brother falls into that category. So, talk to him and, in the meantime, enjoy the fact that you have plenty of good people in your corner.
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