Dear Coleen
I’m a single mum with a four-year-old daughter who has begun to ask questions about her father, probably because she started school in September and is becoming more aware that all her friends have dads living at home.
It’s tricky because I want to be as honest as I can with her, but my ex is a waste of space, who left when I was four months pregnant, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
I know through other people he’s living about 40 miles away and is in a relationship with a woman. I don’t want anything from him and I’m lucky to have always had fantastic support from my family and friends.
So far all I’ve told my daughter is her dad left before she was born because we didn’t want to be together as a couple any more, but I don’t really know what else to say to her.
She has so many great people in her life, including good men, and I’m reluctant to say too much about her father at this stage and bring all that negative energy into our lives.
Any guidance you can give would be appreciated.
Coleen says
I understand how hard it must be to give your daughter any kind of positive impression of her father when he let you down and you’re angry.
However, I don’t think you need to go into a lot of detail because she’s still only four.
She’s curious because she’s seeing other kids at school with their dads, and she just wants a quick explanation.
It’s obviously something you can build on as she gets older, giving more information that’s appropriate to her age.
But, right now, I think you’ll find she’ll take in what you say, then move on to the next question. It’s not an easy situation, but you’re handling it brilliantly, not least because it sounds like you’ve refrained from bad mouthing your ex.
Of course, there will come a time when she’ll ask tougher questions and I think you have to be prepared that when she’s older she might want to find him and judge for herself.
She might want to put questions to him about why he left and why he didn’t want to be a part of her life.
Cross these bridges when you come to them, but the main thing is to create a safe space for her to talk and ask questions in the years to come.
The great thing is that she has a strong mother and a secure loving family, which will help her to cope with any feelings of loss and disappointment around her father.
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