Dear Eric: My son, who is 31, still lives at home. He is a great person and is not antisocial. He has a job that doesn’t pay much. I want him to start his own life. I push him to get a better job so that he can afford to live on his own, but he is very resistant to my pleas.
His mother and I are so worried that he is missing out on life. I don’t want to throw him out of the house. My father did that to my siblings and it was ugly and damaged his relationship with his children. I know that I am too soft on him, and I coddled him growing up. My wife and I blame ourselves, which we know isn’t healthy. What can I and his mother do?
– Worried Father
Dear Father: I’m glad that you’re choosing a different route from your own father’s tactics. There is so much middle ground between throwing an adult child out and coddling. By showing compassion and empathy to your son, you’ve set yourself up to be a trusted resource for him and to reinforce the bedrock of your relationship, which is love.
The decisions your son is making about his life may not be the ones you or your wife would prefer for him. Part of parenting, especially being the parent of an adult, is letting your child make their own mistakes sometimes. And, most importantly, letting them learn from them. But because he’s under your roof and because you care, it’s right to say something.
Part of it can be a financial conversation. Is he paying rent or otherwise contributing to household expenses? If not, he should, as another adult in the house and as someone who probably could use some practice in budgeting. Decide on a fair rate and present it to him.
You might also dig into the why behind his resistance to getting a better-paying job. Maybe he feels you’re pestering him; maybe he feels trapped in his industry; maybe he simply likes his job. See if you can have a conversation about what his desires are for his life without putting your desires for his life on it. This might give you some insight into his thinking and help you find another way in. Perhaps the job is neither the real problem nor the real solution right now.
Additionally, understanding where he’s coming from will help you and your wife to stop blaming yourselves. Because this isn’t your fault. We don’t make bad choices because we are too loved. We make choices because of the options we believe we have and the internal blocks we need to overcome. You can help him make better choices by closing off some options, while not closing the door completely.
Dear Eric: I have a lovely hairstylist who has colored and cut my hair for many years. Up until recently I’ve been satisfied with her work, but for the last two times I haven’t liked the cuts. While she was on vacation, I tried another hairstylist whom a friend recommended, and I really liked the results.
The easy solution is to just not come back and not say anything. However, I believe I owe her more respect and appreciation than just ghosting her. Yet if I speak with her about changing to a new place, I know she will be deeply hurt as she has told me about another client who left after a long time being her client and how she felt confused as to why. Should I break up in person, with or without cookies, write a letter or hold off saying anything for a while until I’m sure the new guy will work out?
– Hairy Situation
Dear Situation: If you’re committed to the new hair stylist, then an in-person breakup is the kind thing to do. Cookies optional but preferred. However, I wonder if you can give your first stylist some constructive feedback, it might help her get you the results you’re looking for. Perhaps she’s set in her ways or has gotten a certain idea about your hair that doesn’t work for you anymore.
As with any relationship, it’s sometimes useful to check in and make sure both parties are still aligned. Considering that she’s cut your hair for years, I’m assuming this isn’t a skills issue. So, if you believe she can do it but just hasn’t done it the last two times, give her the benefit of a conversation. You might even go in before it’s time for a cut to talk it through and test the waters. I wouldn’t lead with “See this style that someone else gave me? That’s what I want.” But a friendly conversation built on your longstanding relationship could get you the look you want.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.