Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we have no children. We tried living together but it didn’t work because we argued constantly.
He’s a neat freak – incredibly fussy about keeping the place tidy and clean, which is very unrelaxing. I’m not messy or dirty at all but he just can’t handle living with anyone because no one can meet his exacting standards.
I don’t want to live somewhere I can’t feel at home and where I’m always walking on eggshells and worried about spilling a cup of tea. So we have separate homes and stay over at each other’s places (he mostly stays at mine).
Things are great when we’re not living in the same house – we have good sex, lots of fun, enjoy each other’s company and have the same values and want the same things.
We just can’t live together! Recently he’s talked about marriage but he doesn’t know how it’ll work. I do love him but how can a marriage work if we’re not living under the same roof and what happens if we have children?
Coleen says
You might be good romantically and sexually but domestically, you don’t match.
Things might be OK now while you’re not dealing with big life events such as marriage and children, but you have to think long term. You tried living together and it didn’t work, so maybe you need to be asking if you’re committed enough for marriage and kids.
It’s a problem if neither of you is willing to find a happy medium over your domestic situation because the ability to compromise is essential for a relationship to thrive and to survive. If you really wanted this relationship to work, you would probably have found a way to overcome these challenges.
I like a clean house but sometimes you just want to kick your shoes off without someone breathing down your neck to tidy them up. It’s just as bad as living with a slob, which I’m sure you’re not.
You could try living together again to see if you can make it work but maybe this situation is telling you that neither of you is ready to commit to this relationship 100%, let alone a marriage. Perhaps you both don’t want it enough or he wants to have his cake and eat it (and get rid of the crumbs straight away, obviously).