Dear Eric: Often when I make a comment or tell a story my husband corrects me. If I try and defend what I’ve said, he just implies that I’m wrong and he’s right. It can be embarrassing when we are out socially. Most of the time I let it slide. Because if I try to point out that I’m correct and he’s wrong, he just carries on as if he’s right. At home, I’ll find evidence that proves that I was right. He just goes “Oh.” I explain to him that I am embarrassed by him correcting me in front of others. He doesn’t seem to care. What should I do?
– Embarrassed
Dear Embarrassed: We have a respect problem here. It’s bad enough that your husband’s default mode seems to be assuming that you’re wrong about everything. That’s an unhealthy place from which to operate in any relationship, to say the least. But his non-response to you when you tell him that his behavior hurts you is downright callous.
Even if, in his opinion, you are getting details wrong, he needs to treat you with enough respect and empathy that any corrections are offered in a helpful manner and at the right time. But, more importantly, who cares if the details are wrong? It’s your story! He needs to just pipe down and let you finish.
I encourage you to stop letting it slide. Tell him, “I don’t like when you correct me. It’s not helpful. I want you to stop. Can you respect my wishes?” You can tell him in private and remind him when you’re out socially. I’d also encourage you to stop trying to prove your point to him. He’s not a good audience for it. I think both of your energies would be better spent working – probably with a therapeutically trained third party – on what’s behind his need to correct in the first place.
Dear Eric: I have two children from a previous relationship, and I am in a new relationship of five years. My 11-year-old son isn’t the most masculine fella or sporty fella, and he has trouble making friendships. My boyfriend completely blames me for these situations as I “babied” him too much. I definitely babied him, but he shines like a diamond in anything school related. Of course, my boyfriend takes credit for all of that.
My 8-year-old daughter is the star player of her soccer team, softball team, and great in school. Yep, you guessed it, he takes full responsibility for all of her upbringing.
Recently I put my son in therapy for low self-esteem issues. They recommended family counseling, my son immediately declined if my boyfriend was going to be involved (we all live together). He stated there’s been situations where my boyfriend tells him that I want my kids to go live with one of their aunts. Then he made my kids pick which aunt. My son said my boyfriend said, if they told me they’ll be in big trouble.
When I asked him about it, he said he didn’t remember, or he may have been drunk. But I don’t know what to think. When I asked again, more focused on the “don’t tell me about it” part, he said “there’s lots of things I tell them not to tell you,” which worries me more. I don’t have my children hide anything from him. Why is he trying to have them hide things from me?
Please give me advice; I don’t know where to go from here.
– Confused Mom
Dear Confused: It’s imperative that you get your children away from your boyfriend as soon as you can. His motives aren’t totally clear, at least from the letter, but his actions are very troubling.
It’s inappropriate for him to be telling your kids to keep secrets from you, especially considering that those secrets are lies he’s telling them. This behavior is manipulative and dangerous.
Compounding all of this is the way he judges your parenting. It’s clear that your children are receiving negative messages from him about you and about themselves. This has hallmarks of emotional abuse – non-physical behaviors meant to isolate, control and frighten. Your son’s resistance to going to therapy with your boyfriend is a big warning sign. Please, heed it.
Since you live together, I know that it may not be easy to immediately protect your kids from him. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.com or 1-800-799-SAFE) has resources that can help you make a safety plan. Please also confide in relatives and friends you can trust and get their help, if possible. Lastly, please continue doing family counseling with your kids. It sounds like there’s important things they need to work through, and it will help all of you to do that work with a trained professional.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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