Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and 18 months ago I married a fantastic man. We’d been dating nearly two years and everything felt perfect. I felt so lucky after coming out of a toxic relationship with my ex, who had real commitment issues.
However, a few months ago I stupidly agreed to meet my ex for a friendly coffee to get some closure. We’d been together for six years and I was mad about him but he constantly messed me about and I finally ended it.
When we met, it felt good to see him, so we agreed to meet again and that’s when things went badly wrong and we ended up in bed together.
To cut a long story short, I left my husband to be with my ex, but it only took a few weeks to realise he hadn’t changed at all – and I was back at square one, living with a narcissist who only thinks about what he wants.
I felt like a total idiot and thought I’d wrecked my life but, unbelievably, after a lot of talking, my husband took me back. It’s been very awkward with his family and friends, even though they don’t know the full story.
But what’s really worrying me is that I still miss my ex, even though he’s awful and I know it can’t work. I feel guilty because I love my husband and I’m grateful for a second chance. I’m confused – please help.
Coleen says
I think you’re confused because you went back to your ex instead of keeping moving forward in your new life. This relationship with your ex sounds so unhealthy and almost like an addiction.
Maybe the drama in that relationship feels normal and familiar to you, but don’t mistake it for passion and excitement. Healthy relationships don’t have that kind of drama.
So be very careful you don’t keep repeating the pattern and blowing up something good. Maybe think about whether therapy could help you with this.
You know it can’t work with your ex because you tried again and nothing had changed. That should be enough for you to cut this guy out of your life. The truth is, you can’t change a person, they have to be the change.
And remind yourself what attracted you to your husband – I bet part of the attraction was that he’s nothing like your ex. I’m pretty sure if your husband hadn’t taken you back, you wouldn’t be thinking about your ex now.
You’d be missing your husband and doing everything in your power to repair the marriage. You say you love him and know how lucky you are, so you should focus on putting all your attention and effort into the marriage.