Dear Coleen
I’m a single woman aged 38 and there’s I guy I’ve known for 20 years who I’m deeply in love with and I know he feels the same way about me.
We’ve never had sex, even though we both want to, but he’s married with three children, so it’s never been an option. Whenever we meet, the chemistry is insane between us and it takes all our willpower not to book a hotel room and make up for the past 20 years of flirting and lusting after each other.
But it’s not just the physical attraction. We know each other so well and are soulmates.
I know from the outside this must seem like a mad situation– all my friends think I’m crazy – but I’ve never felt like this about any other man I’ve ever met. I’m convinced we were meant to be together, but circumstances got in the way.
My best friend says I need a wake-up call because I’ll be 40 soon and I need to move on from this guy, but I don’t know how to and, the thing is, I don’t want to move on from him.
Any advice from you would be welcome.
Coleen says
First of all, you say you know he feels the same, but has he actually told you he’s in love with you?
What’s it going to take for you to wake up and smell the coffee? Circumstance didn’t get in the way – he didn’t choose you, he’s made a life with someone else and you’re still hoping. Maybe that sounds harsh but, like your friends, I don’t want you to waste any more of your life pining for someone who’s not available.
I think you need to walk away completely from this friendship because I don’t think you can be friends while you still have romantic feelings for him. It’ll become too painful or you’ll do something disastrous that’ll blow up his marriage.
It might hurt to hear this, but he could simply be enjoying the fact you fancy him, knowing he’s going back to his lovely wife and kids.
He has you to fall back on to feed his ego, take him out of his domestic life for a bit and make him feel attractive.
So, I think you’re lying to yourself and I know that this situation is stopping you from meeting someone great to spend your life with.
Please don’t ruin your future for this guy.
If he’d wanted to date you all those years ago, it would have happened and if he had any intention of leaving his wife for you, then that would have happened too.
I don’t believe circumstances are to blame. If you really want something, you find a way to get over those barriers and make it happen. Start putting yourself and your future first.