On a personal note, I could understand all the fuss if it was The Carpenters, The Everly Brothers or even 1982 one-hit wonders Renee & Renato re-uniting (mainly as we’d require the services of a very good spiritualist).
But Oasis? A manky-looking Beatles tribute act?
Quite frankly, I’d sooner see the Khmer Rouge getting back together.
Sorry, folks, but if we’re talking famous duos who’ve rocked the UK charts, I’d sooner listen to Arthur Mullard and Hilda Baker belting out You’re The One That I Want from Grease. (Google it, kids, and enjoy!)
What’s the difference between Oasis and a porn movie? The porn movie occasionally has good music.
Liam and Noel Gallagher are Edinburgh-bound next summer (turns out rugby is NOT the worst thing to watch at Murrayfield) and according to one reliable source – me – it’s the biggest scramble for tickets in the capital since Tam Cowan’s shows at this year’s Fringe.
Sorry for the self-indulgence, but where was the fanfare when me and Stuart Cosgrove reunited this week? (And, unlike Noel, neither of us has a £20m divorce bill to settle.)
The big St Johnstone fan returned to the airwaves after an unenviable hat-trick of Covid, pneumonia and two weeks in intensive care with major organ failure.
And, as he casually revealed live on Radio Scotland last Saturday, concerned medics at one point asked if he’d like a priest!
(Maybe that’s why he hasn’t received any Get Well Soon cards with a Govan postmark…)
We were all delighted to see him. Well, apart from Ray Bradshaw, his regular stand-in, who was pig sick.
Just like Liam & Noel, we teamed up in 1994 which means we’re celebrating 30 years of Off The Ball.
Yep, 30 years, 3000 shows, 300,000 mentions of the 1991 Scottish Cup Final… and about three jokes.
Unlike the Gallaghers, we’ve only had ONE fall-out. And, hands up, it was all my fault.
After joking regularly about his battle with eczema (coupled with a love of soul music, Stuart will happily tell you the boys at school called him Lionel Itchy), he challenged me to raise awareness of this condition with a bit of charity fundraising.
Not a problem, mate.
With hindsight, though, I shouldn’t have sold scratchcards…
(Stuart no longer talks about his eczema. He’d rather just sweep it under the carpet.)
Our 30th birthday bash on Monday featured a veritable Who’s Who of the Scottish media.
Al Lamont – who? Jonathan Sutherland – who? Kheredine Idessane – who?
Nah, we all know Kheredine. He’s evi-dently the son of John Clegg, It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum’s La Di Da Gunn-er Graham, who sadly passed away last week. Thanks for coming along after a tough few days, Kheredine.
(I made sure, of course, that all these Z-listers stayed out of shot when the photographer from the Record swung into action.)
Talking of lookalikes, loads of people have pointed out that one of our star guests – comedy legend Tony Roper – is the spitting image of Marv from Home Alone.
And if you think that’s incredible, what about the fact that Tony – best known as Rab C Nesbitt’s sidekick Jamesie Cotter – is 83!
Tony still has a cheeky wee glint in his eye and I nearly choked on my drink when he told me that he was born in the picturesque Scottish hamlet of Fairgo Mahole… (To repeat – he’s 83.)
Football pundit Michael Stewart was there (we only knew this when Craig Levein was turned away by security for having a semi-automatic rifle inside his jacket).
Apologies from Sportscene presenter Steven Thompson – the big lanky streak of p*** was playing tennis. (His game finished at 7pm, but it would have taken him until 3am to get back into his skinny jeans.)
BBC Scotland current affairs presenter Martin Geissler was another no-show.
Very disappointing as I had planned to surprise my old chum by inviting along the audience from The Nine.
I was gutted that Killie boss Derek McInnes couldn’t make it. He’s been listening to the show since he was white.
Neil Lennon texted an apology – “I can’t manage.” – and I got a one-word reply from infamous OTB legend Jose Quitongo: “Can’t.”
At least I think that’s what it said…
Rangers coach Alex Rae (our weans go to the same school) was on the guest list. After doing a conga in front of the fans when they beat St Johnstone in the second round of the League Cup, I wanted him to see what a PROPER celebration is like.
(Incidentally, the party venue – The Clubhouse in Glasgow’s Princes Square – is the city’s newest and smartest sports bar and it took just SIX WEEKS to construct. That’ll explain why Alex requested a number for the builder…)
The doyen of Scottish sports broadcasting – Archie Macpherson – graced us with his presence.
Still sharp as a tack – and with yet another book due out – as he fast approaches 90, I hereby call for his brain to be preserved in a glass case at the Hampden Museum.
We were also joined by my actor pal Colin McCredie – a regular on the show – who you’ll remember from Taggart (if you can also recall Aztec chocolate bars, Chopper bikes and Showaddywaddy).
Scots pop legend Bobby Bluebell – another pal of the show – came along on Monday but, even though the mic I used for my speech was top class, he refused my request to sing a medley of The Bluebells’ hit.
Finally, gorgeous weather presenter Judith Ralston was another famous face and I’ll never forget asking her on Off The Ball to name the sexiest man on the planet.
“Ewan McGregor,” she said.
“I’m very flattered,” I replied. “But you can only name one…”
PS. I can’t mention Oasis without taking you back to the Cafe India restaurant in Glasgow 15 years ago when – true story – I bumped into fellow diner Liam Gallagher.
“Are they giving you the pop star treatment,” I asked.
“I’m not a pop star,” he growled, “I’m a rock star!”
I then overheard him ordering a chicken korma with extra coconut.
Ozzy Osbourne eat yer heart out…