You may hear someone who’s cocky, image-focused, or loves the sound of their own voice called a narcissist in conversation.
True narcissism, however, is a far deeper, darker issue.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is estimated to affect around 1% of the population, and is characterised by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, an intense need for admiration, a deep envy of others, the belief they’reunique and deserving of special treatment, and a preoccupation with brilliance and unlimited power.
While many of us display some of these traits from time to time, it’s considered pathological when it’s a pattern of behaviours which impair a person’s daily functioning – with others often caught in the crossfire.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be extremely harmful, and the advice of BACP counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin, who runs The Grace Project for survivors of narcissistic abuse1, is to spot the signs and get out ‘as soon as you can’.
‘Ultimately, with a narcissist, you can lose your sanity and even your life,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. ‘Narcissists erode a person so that they no longer recognise themselves; victims may become depressed and mentally and physically ill, often resorting to drugs, alcohol, disordered eating and similar, to cope.’
According to Margaret, ‘everyone can be hoodwinked by a narcissist,’ but limiting your exposure to their manipulation as much as possible is your best bet in coming out of the relationship unscathed.
Don’t try to reason with them though, as she explains: ‘They do not have a conscience, so the best thing to do is to cut your losses and ties, where possible, and rebuild.’
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‘What I urge you to do is heed the early signs – please do not wait,’ Margaret adds. ‘So much more damage will result from staying with a narcissist or in a narcissistic culture, and so much time wasted.’
Worried this might be who you’re dealing with? Here are the red flags to look out for from the outset.
Everyone else is to blame
We all have an ex we’d rather forget, or a complicated relationship with a family member. But if the person you’re getting to know has a string of failed relationships where they’re always the victim, it’s a cause for concern.
There may be what appears to be accountability, but this is always a backhanded of passing the blame onto someone else.
For example, Margaret says: ‘They may volunteer that they are flawed because of trauma and neglect and as a result did things they are not proud of. And, while some of this may be true, it is smoke and mirrors.’
The best way round this is to find out what happened to the people left behind – and learn from their experience.
‘The chances are that the narcissist leaves a trail of destruction, partners, family, colleagues, finances, companies, and even countries,’ Margaret continues.
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Although a narcissist appears not to care about other people, they cling on to those who serve their needs; attention being one of them.
A narcissist can be pretty convincing too, cultivating an ‘entourage’ of loyal supporters who are either unaware or in denial about what’s really going on – potentially in the form of their children, employees, parents, siblings, or members of a group they’re in.
Margaret explains that, for some, it’s ‘simpler to ignore the facts and believe the narcissist’s version of events,’ and that these people will ‘actively protect and advocate for the narcissist,’ regardless of what they’ve done.
They always know just what to say
‘Part of the alchemy of a narcissistic relationship or environment is that as you feel something is not right, you will be love-bombed or publicly congratulated or acknowledged,’ says Margaret. ‘This can be very destabilising.’
Love-bombing – showing excessive affection in an effort to manipulate – and moving fast in the relationship may be because they find making a real connection tedious, or because ‘the quicker they can gain access to your life, family, bank account, apartment – the earlier they can drop the act.’
Margaret also adds: ‘Narcissists read enough about how to be spotted in order that they get ahead of the game, so they may say they themselves have been narcissistically abused and feign empathy and remorse – all the things they know you want to hear.’
If it all seems a little too perfect, a little too rehearsed, be wary.
They’re divisive
A narcissist in an expert in the Machiavellian, so ‘will say things about others to influence how you treat them.’
‘For example, they might say that their brother doesn’t like you and thinks you’re a gold digger,’ says Margaret. ‘This is so you will be wary of the brother and not have any meaningful connection.’
It’s all about them being the most important person in your life, which may involve tactics like passing on subtly insulting ‘messages of concern’ from your loved ones or retelling interactions you had with others in a negative light.
Lies come easy to them
From lying about caring about you (in an effort to get you to be vulnerable and share information they can leverage against you later) to seemingly-insignificant lies about everyday things, you’ll be amazed about the way a narcissist can deftly bend the truth.
‘They are brilliant imitators of a decent person,’ says Margaret. ‘But eventually, you will catch them out.’
She recommends cutting and running at the first lie you reveal, no matter how big or small. Otherwise, they’ll continue to deceive you.
They use every trick in the book to keep control
Control is at the forefront of a narcissist’s purpose, and they can use tools like flattery, plausible narratives, social isolation and diminishing you to achieve it.
Initially, you’ll be gaslit for questioning their behaviour, called ‘too sensitive’, ‘needy’, ‘paranoid’ or similar. Yet it’s when the mask begins to slip and you make it clear you won’t be controlled that you’ll know for sure you’re dealing with a narcissist.
‘They may become aggressive or violent, or sulk and guilt trip you,’ says Margaret.
They might also threaten you and your loved ones, perhaps saying they’ll report you to your employer or social services based on something you told them you’re ashamed about, or that they’ll spread lies about you in an effort to make you stay.
Everything is for show
One of the most obvious indicators of narcissism is someone behaving differently depending on the importance of their audience.
Narcissists are obsessed with image,’ says Margaret. ‘So it is when no one else – or no one considered important enough – is watching that they begin to reveal their true self.’
She explains: ‘Make note of how they treat junior staff – do they greet, acknowledge, and enquire after them when equal or senior colleagues aren’t there to see? Do they speak to you in private in a way they would never in front of an audience?
‘It’s the same with pets. If they dote over your dog when you’re present and are rough with it when they don’t think you’re watching – you absolutely know who they are.’
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