Dear Coleen
Recently, I found out my partner, with whom I have an 18-month-old baby, has had an affair with a woman at work. It’s such a cliche, I know, but here I am dealing with the aftermath. I found emails and texts he’d sent to her, which killed me.
They were so intimate and it was obvious how much he wanted this woman and how much he cared about her. I asked him to leave, which he did. Three months down the line he’s ended the affair.
We’ve had counselling to see if we can get back together, but I don’t know if I can do it. I still have love for him and he’s a great father, but he’s hurt me so badly. I can’t get those messages out of my head. A lot were sexual in nature and I think I’d struggle to be intimate with him again.
We’ve discussed in therapy why he had the affair – he says he lost himself becoming a dad and felt I was taken up with the baby, and this woman came on strong and flattered his ego.
I don’t know, though. He still seems to have a problem owning what he did – it’s the other woman’s fault for flattering him and it’s my fault for being a mum. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again, let alone sleep with him.
Coleen says
This is a horrible situation and not something you can repair overnight. It could take months or even years and it could be a case of never fully trusting him again, but enough to carry on.
We all have the capacity to mess up, but the tricky part is rebuilding trust with someone who’s let you down and it’s a gamble. I know his reasons seem selfish but in his mind that’s how he felt. I’m not condoning it but I do understand how he got there because I had an affair for similar reasons.
Many years ago, I felt my other half only saw me as a mum, housewife and cleaner, then I met someone who made me feel fantastic. The thing I learned is that an affair is never the answer and the heartbreak it caused will live with me forever.
Since then, I’ve always talked to a partner about how I feel at the first hint of a red flag. Hopefully, like me, he realises it was a huge mistake and going to counselling is a good sign – many guilty partners wouldn’t. It sounds like he is remorseful and wants to make it work.
If you decide it can’t work, at least you’ll know you’ve thrown everything at it. But if you decide to keep trying, then accept those feelings you have now will take a while to change.
It takes work to rebuild trust and intimacy but I know plenty of couples who have managed it. When the tables were turned on me and my other half had an affair, I could have left out of anger and pride but I didn’t as I loved him and knew I’d probably go back.
Eventually, I realised through counselling the relationship wasn’t what I wanted, and I felt strong enough to walk away.
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