Five years ago, Hester and Kelly Grainger’s two children were diagnosed as autistic.
As a family, it turned out to be a learning curve –directly following his offspring, Kelly was also diagnosed as autistic after their traits ‘really resonated’ with him.
He was in his early 40s at the time, and says life suddenly made ‘a lot more sense’.
Then, during lockdown, both children were also diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) – and during the assessment, the psychologist asked his wife Hester about her own neurodiversity.
‘They said to me: “So you’ve been diagnosed with ADHD?”, as though it was already a fact,’ Hester, who is 46 and lives in Norwich, tells Metro.
‘This came as a massive shock and at 43 I was officially diagnosed. Kelly went on to be diagnosed too, so we are a truly neurodivergent family.’
‘We suspect we were always meant to be’
It’s not just the family dynamic that the various diagnoses have shaped: it’s gone on to change Kelly and Hester’s relationship for the better. In fact, they have a sneaking suspicion that, all along, they were meant to be.
‘We’ve been together for 22 years and married for 16 and always got on incredibly well,’ Hester reflects, noting that the pair now even work together on their business, Perfectly Autistic.
‘Suddenly, everything made so much sense. Kelly can be seen as blunt when he’s not, and I talk 100 miles per hour and can’t sit still. It’s taken our relationship to another level as we just “get” each other more now.’
Now, the couple truly know each other inside out, and their diagnoses have helped them not only to be kinder to each other, but kinder to themselves.
‘It helps us understand why we struggle with certain things. We’ve recently moved house, which is stressful in itself, but understanding why we can feel overwhelmed with it all definitely helps,’ Hester, who also works as an ADHD coach alongside their business, adds.
Though their diagnoses have shed fresh light not only on their family but on the relationship, that doesn’t mean that they haven’t had to work on the foundations – and that includes their communication styles.
‘It can be frustrating when you are trying to get your point across and your partner doesn’t understand what you are trying to say,’ Hester expresses.
‘Sometimes we talk at cross purposes – it’s a bit like when you get the wrong impression from reading a WhatsApp message. So [we counter that] by talking and explaining that maybe we don’t understand or that we need the other to explain it in a different way.
‘Being neurodivergent can be hugely challenging, yet if you want an honest, straight-talking, loyal and caring partner, you can’t go too far wrong!
‘We often wear our heart on our sleeve so you’ll know exactly where you stand.’
‘Us neurodivergent folk flock together’
Hester and Kelly aren’t the only neurodivergent couple out there: Jo McMeechan and Alex Jay Lynam, 37 and 28 respectively, both live with an array of conditions on the neurodivergent spectrum.
Alex lives with ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dyspraxia and Irlen Syndrome (a condition considered to be part of the neurodivergence spectrum that impacts how the brain processes both visual information and light).
Due to a lengthy, intense and ‘scary’ diagnostic process for ADHD, Alex is currently self-diagnosed, but because of the current waiting times for ADHD assessments (up to eight years in the UK in some cases, according to a BBC investigation), much of the neurodivergent community recognises the validity of self-diagnosis.
Meanwhile, Jo lives with ADHD, a diagnosis she stumbled across after her youngest child was also diagnosed with both ADHD and autism.
‘For a lot of parents who go through that journey for their kids, I think they have these light bulb moments for themselves, and that was absolutely where I was at,’ Jo, who lives in Bristol, tells Metro.
What is neurodiversity, and how do ADHD and autism fit into that?
As per guidance from the Royal College of Nursing, neurodiversity is a term that’s used to denote the ‘natural diversity in human brains.’
When it comes to neurodivergence, this umbrella term is used when a person’s brain processes differ from ‘what is considered typical,’ and includes a host of conditions including dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, ADHD and autism spectrum condition (ASC).
Many of these conditions can be co-occurring, as between 25 and 48% of people diagnosed with dyscalculia will also have dyslexia, and vice versa.
‘When I look back now, I realise that I’ve always been academically a very high achiever, and that’s always been a big perfectionist drive for me, which I think is probably part of my dopamine-seeking ADHD profile.’
Following these watershed diagnostic moments, both Jo and Alex have incorporated their neurodiversity into their work, setting up support groups SENstory and Beyond The Binary, and say they have ‘a really neuro-affirming household.’
But though the pair are both neurodivergent, their needs often show up differently – and that can create challenges in their relationship.
‘My sensory needs are far less significant, but my executive functioning needs around organising, prioritisation and execution are more significant,’ Jo explains.
‘Sometimes, if Alex needs me to respond to their sensory needs, it will feel like I’ve not prioritising that, even though I’m trying. I’m struggling to prioritise and execute because of my own neurodivergence.
‘I think the frustration only comes because it stems from a place of anxiety, because I’m worked so hard on my own coping strategies to be able to do things in a certain way, and so drifting from that process makes me really anxious.’
Despite their challenges though, the couple believe that a later life diagnosis means they both gravitated towards partners who are also neurodivergent.
‘When you are a late diagnosed or self-diagnosed neurodivergent person, it’s highly likely that the other person in your relationship is going to be neurodivergent as well, because us neurodivergent folk flock together,’ Jo reflects.
‘You have to understand yourself and your own profile first and foremost, and what processes and strategies you need to be able to support your needs because you can’t really work out how those fit together until you can voice them and explain them.’
Why are neurodivergent people drawn to one another in relationships?
As EFT and NLP practitioner and wellbeing coach Kate Moryoussef tells Metro, it’s not uncommon for neurodivergent people to be attracted to each another – particularly when one has ADHD, and one has autism.
‘It could be that the ADHD person is attracted to someone who is more structured, who is more routine and detailed, while the autistic person might be attracted to the person who is a little bit more spontaneous,’ Kate theorises.
‘However, this is all very much generalised because the challenge may be that each one gets dysregulated in a different way. They could get overstimulated at different times, their energy levels can be easily compromised, and they may burn out from different things.’
Notably, as Kate recognises, there is a considerable amount of overlap between the symptoms of ADHD and autism, which might include traits like sensory differences, executive dysfunction and challenges with social interactions.
In fact, studies show a high level of comorbidity between the two, as from 50 to 70% of individuals diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) also present symptoms of ADHD, hence the evolution of the term AuDHD, used by the neurodivergent community to describe someone living with both ADHD and autistic traits.
‘Whether there’s OCD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, it’s so finely enmeshed. It’s kind of like having an orchestra of different string instruments, and one is a guitar, an electric guitar, and one’s a cello,’ Kate explains.
Inevitably, a relationship where both partners are neurodivergent will present its own challenges – but, as Kate argues, there are ways to work around it.
‘It’s really recognising how you can place each of the strengths and how you can be really compassionate to that person and give them what they need,’ Kate adds, recognising that this comes with an element of ‘self-awareness, understanding, psychoeducation and therapy.’
‘When it comes to communication, I think it’s also recognising when do you have that energy, and where can you meet in the middle to be able to have conversations and catch up.
‘It’s giving your partner that space and that safe area for them to just go into their place and not interrupt them because that sort of task switching can really dysregulate people.
‘We live in a very neurotypical world and we can really bring our strengths out to the forefront and look after and support each other.’
This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.