Being able to share your innermost desires with your partner is one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. But what if revealing all has the power to push them away?
In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader who thought her boyfriend of a year was a ‘keeper’ until she found out about his secret penchant for cross-dressing.
While she doesn’t want to lose him, she’s finding it hard to come to terms with the news, and it’s making her rethink their compatibility in the long run.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a man who’s torn between his loving wife and the younger colleague he had an affair with.
The problem…
Last week my lovely boyfriend broke down in tears and admitted he likes wearing women’s clothes. I’m still in such shock, I just don’t know what to make of it; I’m trying to be grown-up and cool, but deep down I’m feeling turned off.
I’m in my mid-thirties and haven’t had much success with men, so when I met this kind, sweet, funny guy just over a year ago, I couldn’t believe my luck. All my friends like him and think I’ve finally met a keeper.
We have great sex, share the same political views (important to both of us) and have a similar sense of humour. Most of the time, I feel like we’re two peas in a pod.
However, we don’t yet live together, so I guess it’s been easy for him to hide his secret other life. Not suspecting there was anything wrong, I started pushing for us to share a place after we’d been dating a year. To me, it felt obvious and would save us a fortune, as we currently rent two flats.
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I was surprised at his cold response and feared he was using his apartment to entertain other women. So, after a few weeks of him batting away my suggestion, I just pushed for the reason – and that’s when he broke down and told me the truth.
I’m now quietly freaking out about spending the rest of my life with a guy who likes ‘dressing up’. But at the same time, the thought of ending the relationship fills me with sadness.
The advice…
People in your situation often struggle to overlook their partner’s cross-dressing peccadilloes, but let’s take a look at what your boyfriend has really done.
Think of unforgiveable things like coercive control, cheating, domestic abuse – the poor guy hasn’t done any of those. What he has done though, is – in your words – live a ‘secret life’; probably because he knew that the minute he shared with you, you’d react in exactly the way you have done, with horror.
That said, I do feel for you. Thankfully, we live in an increasingly inclusive world, but when confronted with the reality at such close quarters, it isn’t always easy to deal with.
It’s important to recognise that men who cross-dress aren’t necessarily transgender or gay. Often, they’re simply heterosexual males who find dressing in women’s clothes provides them with an outlet for their own self-expression, perhaps to escape the traditional male role or sometimes for sexual reasons. Your boyfriend is unlikely to change, so don’t ask him to.
This is just a small part of who he is; after all, up until this revelation, you thought he was a keeper. If you saw a future with him before his confession, it’s still possible to have that now.
So before you throw away an otherwise happy relationship, take time to let it all sink in and check out the advice and support online. Finding others in the same situation may make it easier to adjust.
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