Parenting is extremely personal. And the truth is, no matter what choices you make, other people – particularly close family members – are likely to have their own opinions.
But while judgements may be easy to brush off, it’s a lot harder to deal with someone completely undermining your efforts to do what you feel is best for you kids.
This is what happened to one parent, who posted about her tribulations on Netmums.
Despite making a conscious effort to teach her three-year-old daughter about boundaries, consent and bodily autonomy, the mum kept running into problems — namely, her own mother.
‘I’m trying to start teaching her that her body is hers, and she can say no to hugs and kisses etc if she wants, but my mum is making it impossible,’ she wrote.
‘She helps me out loads with childcare, which I’m super grateful for. But I’ve noticed that when [my daughter] says no to a kiss or cuddle, my mum always says things like “don’t be silly, of course you can hug your nanny”, and just goes in for the kiss anyway.’
Although the poster tried to speak about the issue, her mum called her ‘ridiculous’ and claimed ‘family should always get cuddles.’ And although many commenters on the thread were supportive, others agreed with the grandma.
‘Your mum is not stranger,’ replied one user. ‘She is the one who knows best and she will never hurt your daughter.’
And it seems a child’s right to consent in these scenarios is a quite contentious topic indeed.
Why should we teach children consent?
Teaching consent often looks like giving a child a choice in whether or not they kiss or hug a relative, listening to them when they say no and paying attention to their body language if they don’t outwardly express that they don’t want a hug.
It can also look like giving them options — a hug, a high five, a fist bump, or, of course, nothing.
‘This is about developing respectful and trusting relationships from the earliest ages,’ says Dr Dan O’Hare, an educational psychologist and chartered member of the British Psychological Society. ‘It’s a template for the future — it’s no bad thing that young children learn that they do have a say; that their body is theirs. It’s an opportunity for teaching lessons that last a lifetime.’
As a spokesperson for the NSPCC tells : ‘It’s crucial to foster an understanding around consent from an early age, so that young people can enter into relationships with the knowledge of how to keep themselves safe and empowered to recognise the signs of abuse.
‘Young people should feel reassured that they have safe adults who they can speak to about their sexual experiences, as well as feeling equipped to recognise when abuse may be taking place.
‘Young people who do not feel this way may be vulnerable to abuse or unhealthy relationships.’
Why is consent so contentious?
Lauren O’Carroll, a parenting expert and mum-of-two, has been teaching her children about consent in order to ensure they learn about healthy relationships growing up. However, like the poster above, she’s ran into some problems with her family members following suit.
‘Because my kids are particularly sensitive and “shy” we start with modelling boundary setting, by essentially being their voice and speaking the words we know they will one day find for themselves,’ she tells .
‘[But] with some family members, we have had to explicitly remind them several times, particularly around tickling.’
The main issue, she says, is that it can be seen as a modern idea — and not in a positive sense.
As psychotherapist specialising in boundary setting Charlotte Bailey explains, teaching consent to children in this context may challenge long-held beliefs about family dynamics and affection.
She tells : ‘For generations, physical affection has been seen as a given within families — a way to express love and connection. Asking for consent can feel like a threat to this “norm” and may trigger feelings of rejection or insecurity in adults who expect affection as a form of validation.
‘Additionally, many people were raised to comply with social expectations and may unconsciously pass down the same people-pleasing behaviours they were taught, without realising the potential harm.’
It might also be the case that adults don’t want to feel as though they are being accused of doing something wrong — after all, physical touch is natural and important for a child’s development.
However, Dr O’Hare says adults shouldn’t take it personally if a child doesn’t want to give them a kiss or a hug.
‘A kid not wanting to hug you isn’t some personal slight,’ he tells .
‘They might just be feeling a bit ill or a bit off, or they just don’t want it, and I think a child learning that they have autonomy and say over what happens to them is more important than an adult feeling irrationally sad that they won’t give them a hug.’
How to set boundaries with family members around your child’s right to consent
It’s important to be clear and direct with family members about how you’re choosing to parent your child — and why.
‘Have an open conversation where you explain why you’re teaching your child about consent, frame it as something positive; that it helps your child learn confidence and it’s about empowering them to set boundaries in the future,’ says Charlotte.
‘Reassure them that it’s not about rejecting affection or anything personal about the individuals in question.’
It’s also a good idea to offer other alternatives to traditional forms of affection, like a high five or a verbal ‘I love you,’ if your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss on a certain day.
Charlotte continues: ‘Be sure to set expectations ahead of time, so everyone knows what to do in the moment If a family member forgets or oversteps, it’s okay to gently remind them, saying something like, “Let’s ask her first if she’s okay with a hug”.’
Finally, be sure to advocate for your child in front of them, even if it’s uncomfortable.
‘When [your child] sees you stand up for their boundaries, they learn that their voice matters and that it’s okay to say no,’ adds Charlotte.
‘It shows them that their comfort and safety come first, even if it means disappointing others. This not only validates their feelings but also reinforces that they are allowed to set boundaries in all relationships, which is an essential skill for life.’
The more you do this, the easier it will become — for you, your child, and those around you. It’s all about consistency.
‘Did it feel uncomfortable the first time? Of course,’ says Lauren. ‘But each time I do it I grow in confidence.’
Highlighting the reasoning behind any potentially awkward moments, the mum also adds: ‘It’s a lot easier to advocate for someone else than ourselves, and it’s so important for our children to see us doing this with confidence so they can follow our lead.’
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