Dear Coleen
Sadly, a few months ago I had to terminate my unborn baby after a serious medical issue was discovered. My husband and I didn’t feel we had any other option, as doctors advised us that the baby had no chance of survival.
It’s been totally heartbreaking, as we’d been trying to get pregnant for nearly three years and were over the moon when we got a positive test. All our family and friends were delighted, too, and then it was all gone. It’s been so hard.
I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we’ve been married 10, and I didn’t think anything could break us, but our marriage isn’t doing well. I don’t really know why – sadness, lost dreams and we’re just angry with each other a lot of the time.
Sex has been weird, as if we’re scared to enjoy ourselves or scared to risk getting pregnant again, so we just don’t bother any more. We do love each other, but I don’t know how we can get over this tragedy. Every time I think I’m moving on, it hits me again and I can’t function. I’d love some advice.
Coleen says
You’re experiencing grief and you’re probably dealing with it differently and maybe when it’s hitting you, your husband feels OK and then it hits him, so it’s very hard to break the cycle. What you’re both feeling – and feeling as a couple – is normal.
As well as grief for your baby, you’re also coming to terms with lost dreams – the future you’d imagined for yourselves as a family of three has been shattered. You can’t help thinking ahead and now it’s all been taken from you. You must acknowledge when you’re struggling and all it takes is saying something simple like, “I’m not coping well today. Sorry if I’m taking it out on you.”
Also, keep reminding each other that you’ve been through a lot together and you’re doing OK. You’re still a couple, you still love each other, and you can get through this. You’ll never forget the loss of your baby, but you can learn to live with it and find joy again in your life.
When it comes to intimacy, don’t put so much pressure on yourselves to have sex. It’s OK if it takes some time to find your way back to it. The most important thing is to keep talking to each other and accept help.
I would really recommend giving grief counselling a go and there are wonderful charities offering help and information around pregnancy and baby loss, including sands.org.uk and tommys.org.
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