Dear Coleen
I’m a woman in my 30s and I’m married with a six-year-old daughter. My problem is that my husband and my mum don’t get on and I hate it. I wish we could be a happy family and spend time together without feeling on edge constantly.
The problem my mum seems to have is that my husband is a workaholic and in her eyes isn’t at home enough and doesn’t support me enough with our daughter.
He thinks my mum is overbearing and interfering, and says he doesn’t have to justify himself to her. The truth is, they’re both quite controlling and very opinionated too.
It’s a nightmare for me and I dread family events because I know when I get home my husband will sound off about mum and then she will call and make sarcastic remarks about him.
They’ve never actually had a confrontation but just offload on me, which is stressful. The other day we were at my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday and I was talking about something that happened at home.
My mum said to my husband: “Well, maybe you’d know about these things if you were around a bit more”. I could see he was angry, but he just said “Ouch!” and then ranted the whole way home in the car. What can I do?
Coleen says
It’s horrible to feel stuck in the middle between two people you love and I can see it’s spoiling your family life. I think they both need to grow up and think of other people.
Look, they might never like each other and that’s OK, but they should be able to control their behaviour when they’re in a room together and they should do it for you. They’ve made their problem your problem and it shouldn’t be.
You need to make it clear how stressful and upsetting this is for you. You could speak to them individually and tell them what you expect from them going forward: politeness, no digs or sarcastic remarks, and no coming to you to offload.
Or, you could get them in a room together and explain how you feel, and hopefully embarrass them into making an effort to change their ways.
Maybe it’s a habit that’s got out of hand and neither of them has stopped to think about how much their little feud is hurting you. I think it’s good your husband didn’t react and make a scene when your mum had a dig at him.
But he can’t keep ranting to you about her afterwards because she’s your mum and you love her, however interfering she is. Equally, your mum needs to be reminded that your life and your marriage don’t require her opinion or input.
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