Dear Coleen
I’m an avid watcher of Loose Women and reader of your column, and I love how sensible you are. So, I’m hoping you can pass on some advice to me.
I lost my sister nine years ago and I’m still struggling. She was terminally ill and I cared for her for nearly a year. My life changed drastically after she died as I became very poorly myself and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I’m now being assessed for MS.
I rushed into a disastrous marriage because I was grieving so much and, after I divorced him, I lost all my friends as they took his side. I have a grown-up autistic son, who I was very close to, but now he’s shut off completely and it’s like being with a stranger.
I’m on antidepressants, as I realised I needed help, but my mood is still low and sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasn’t here.
I have no idea how to meet new people. I don’t work due to constant pain and my confidence is at rock bottom.
I know I need people in my life, but if you don’t have anyone where do you start? I don’t want to come across as desperate, even though I do feel that way most of the time.
Coleen says
You’re dealing with a lot – missing a loved one, physical health challenges, depression and loneliness – so it’s not surprising you feel overwhelmed and are struggling to see a way out of it.
It helps to focus your mind if you write down the things that are troubling you and deal with them one by one.
Stop trying to make sense of the big picture and focus on one thing at a time.
The first thing I’d suggest is seeing your doctor again to explain how low you’re feeling. They might adjust your medication, but I’m hoping you’ll be referred for counselling because that could be the missing piece of the jigsaw.
It’ll help to offload everything that’s happened over the past decade, and you’ll have ongoing support. In the meantime, there are great organisations that offer amazing support, including bereavement charity Cruse.org.uk and Samaritans.org (freephone 116 123).
I see a lot of positive things in your letter – you’ve reached out to your doctor for help and you want to develop friendships and create a better life for yourself. But you have to start the change, which I know is easier said than done, although not as hard as you think it is.
Let people in your life know you’re feeling lonely. Also, think about what interests you have and start looking online for local classes or
social groups (try befriending.co.uk).
You’ll also find online support groups, for example Fibromyalgia Action has a Facebook support group. Engaging with people – even in small ways – will start to rebuild your confidence.
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