Dear Coleen
Recently, I found out my younger sister lied to me about something that happened between her and my boyfriend when she was 18 and I was 22.
We’ve always had a difficult relationship, fuelled by her competitiveness when we were growing up. She always wanted what I had and hated that I was a high achiever at school, so went the other way, rebelling against everything and causing my parents a lot of stress.
Anyway, we’re both in our 40s now with husbands and kids. I’ve seen a lot of her lately, as our mum is selling her house and needed our help to pack.
One night, after a few drinks, my sister admitted she’d lied about what happened with my boyfriend all those years ago.
At the time, she said he’d pursued her and made a move on her at a party, and kissed her, when she’d actually been the one to kiss him.
Even though my boyfriend swore he didn’t fancy her and that she’d gone after him, it was his word against hers and I believed her. She also made up lies about him sleeping around, which added fuel to the fire.
Maybe this problem seems trivial, but at the time I was heartbroken and felt betrayed, but I could hardly dump my sister, so I dumped him. But we were in love and maybe we’d be together now if she hadn’t lied.
She apologised for the mayhem she caused, but I think she also enjoyed telling me! Where do we go from here?
Coleen says
I think this is more to do with sibling rivalry than the boyfriend you had when you were 22. I’m pretty sure if you loved the guy that much and were meant to be, you would have stayed together, whatever your sister had to say.
I understand you feeling annoyed that she lied and, yes, it was a nasty thing to do, but it happened many years ago when you were both a lot younger.
Life has moved on and you’re both married and have children, so how much does it really matter? Could it be time to let it go?
I have lots of sisters and I remember drama over boys when we were young but, the difference is, we’d look back now and laugh about it.
I think the problem with you and your sister is that the sibling rivalry is still there because you’ve never addressed it and that’s sad, really. It’s never too late to build bridges and maybe that’s what your sister was trying to do by admitting she’d lied.
Maybe you can have a better relationship now and in the future, if you sit down and listen to each other. You think of your sister as bitter and scheming, but maybe she idolised you as her older sister and wanted to be like you, so made some bad choices.
I’d use this moment to try to understand each other better and hopefully become closer. I’m sure your mum and your families would love that.
Don’t miss the latest news from around Scotland and beyond – Sign up to our daily newsletter here.