Dear Coleen
My husband and I, plus our two-year-old son, are going to stay with my mother-in-law for a few days over Christmas.
Normally, I’d look forward to this but, this year, his sister will be there, which I know won’t make for a happy holiday.
She’s 23, so 10 years younger than my husband, and she’s a brat. To be fair, I’ve never had a run-in with her – she’s always been friendly to me – but she’s vile to her mum and to my husband. It’s like her emotional development stalled somewhere around 15 – she’s selfish, needy, throws tantrums, constantly starts arguments and demands money and attention.
Sadly, her dad isn’t around to help parent her, as he died a few years ago, so it’s been up to her mum and my husband to be there. They do everything for her but she treats them with so little respect.
The last time she was at her mum’s – before going travelling for eight months – she hooked up with a random guy in a pub, got off her head on drugs, lost her phone and ended up at the police station. I felt so sorry for my mother-in-law, who was in tears. She also screamed at my husband that he wasn’t her dad and never to interfere again.
It really upsets me that she’s so awful to people I love but, so far, I’ve stayed out of it. How should I cope this Christmas if things kick off?
Coleen says
From the outside, it looks like maybe she’s been spoiled or overindulged by her mum and brother, who are probably overcompensating for her dad not being around.
However, at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and there are plenty of people who’ve experienced loss who are good to those who love them.
I completely agree this battle isn’t yours to fight and your husband and his family need to sort it out themselves.
However, if you get on well with your sister-in-law and when the time is right, maybe you could help her to see how much she upsets her mum, who’s doing her best, and encourage her to open up about how she feels. Also, her mum and brother need to change how they relate to her.
I don’t think she’ll change unless they do. So, talk to your husband about tough love.
The next time she’s rude, your brother should say, “Don’t talk to us like that. Treat us with respect or don’t be here”.
She might storm out and get drunk but I think there needs to be a consistent message.
And stop bailing her out with money. Help her emotionally, give her ideas for moving forward, encouragement and confidence. She’s acting like a moody teen and they cave in to keep the peace, so the cycle continues.
It’s not easy to change a dynamic but it can be done if you keep boundaries in place.
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