Dear Coleen
I’m a 51-year-old man and for the past few years I’ve really struggled in my marriage. We tend to do our own thing and keep our own schedule and, when we are together, we never talk about anything meaningful or have any fun. We’re just living together like roommates.
I usually stay up late to watch TV on my own or play guitar and she goes to bed early to read, so our sex life is non-existent. I feel awkward talking to her about any of this stuff because we’re not close.
We rarely argue but that’s because we’re living separate lives. She just seems to want to coast along as we are and doesn’t take me seriously. I know it’s not helpful to get into the blame game but she’s the one who’s changed.
I know I need to do something but I’m not sure what that something is. I’m unhappy and lonely, even though we live together and also have two teenage daughters (they also do their own thing).
I do love my wife and we’ve been together 23 years and it makes me sad to think our relationship used to be so good. Is there anything I can do?
Coleen says
I think you need to stop tip-toeing around the issues and be direct. Let her know how unhappy you are. She might be happy to coast along ignoring the elephant in the room but you’re not and she can’t expect you to fall in line.
I know you love your wife and want to breathe new life into the relationship, but I also think you need to get a bit tougher when it comes to getting your point across.
You need to stop cutting yourselves off from each other and start communicating again. If the two of you can’t do this on your own, then I would suggest counselling.
It’s not impossible to pull things back if you’re each willing to put the effort in. You need to start doing things together and considering each other in order to find that connection you once had.
Eat together, watch telly together and go to bed at the same time. Go out for a meal or for a drink. Middle age and menopause can put a lot of stress on a relationship. It’s a time when people often reassess what they want.
If she won’t acknowledge your feelings, then you have to consider what will make you happy. Good luck.
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