Dear Coleen
My fianceé and I are both 28 and have been together for three years. We’re due to get married this August.
We’re mad about each other and decided to move in together and get engaged quite soon after meeting. I suppose it was a love at first sight, whirlwind type of thing. We knew we were right for each other.
But, a few weeks ago, my fianceé dropped a bombshell that’s ruined everything for me.
We were sat on he sofa at home when she suddenly blurted out she’d had a one-night stand with someone a couple of months after we got together. She said it never happened again with this guy – or with anyone else – and it confirmed to her that I was “the one”.
She said she’d decided to tell me because she didn’t want to go into marriage knowing she’d lied to me and couldn’t stand the guilt.
To be honest, every day I think something different. One day, I admire her for being honest and the next I feel angry that she lied to me and I now have to deal with it only six months before we’re supposed to walk down the aisle.
I want to talk about it but she doesn’t. She wants to leave it in the past because it meant nothing to her. She keeps bringing up our ages – we were only 25 when we got together – as some kind of excuse for what she did. How do I move forward?
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Coleen says
She’s relieved to get it off her chest but, understandably, it’s left you feeling very hurt and betrayed, and with a ton of questions.
I am assuming the main question is can I trust her again? I’m sure you’re worried about what else she’s lied about and if she’d do something like that again in the future. When it comes to rebuilding the trust, I think it’s important that she’s willing to talk about what happened and answer any questions you have.
Maybe she can move on quickly from this but I think it’s unrealistic to expect you to do the same. Perhaps having some counselling together would help – because I do think it’s important you work through this before getting married.
You want to walk down the aisle with peace of mind and looking forward to your future together. So, it’s your turn to be honest and tell her the only way you’re willing to move on is to talk about it and your expectations for the future. Don’t let her fob you off or gaslight you because it is a big deal for you.
The only other thing I’d add is that it did happen very early on in your relationship when perhaps you weren’t fully committed and still finding out if you wanted to be together. It’s not an excuse but it’s a factor. Good luck.
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