Dear Coleen
I don’t know what to do about my sister, who’s really clingy. She’s in her early 50s and is single, in fact she’s never had a serious relationship or any relationship as far as I’m aware.
She’s very kind and does a lot for other people, including her friends and our elderly parents. When my children were younger, I relied on her a lot for childcare, but they’re teenagers now, so don’t need a babysitter.
I think she’s finding it hard to cope with them growing up and away from her, and life moving on. She still comes over to the house all the time and just seems a bit lost.
I was a bit mean to her the other day when she was sat in my kitchen moaning about her lot in life. I snapped and said she needed to get a life.
I felt so bad about it afterwards but everything I said was true, even if it didn’t come out in the best way. I wish she would wake up and realise that creating a more fulfilling life is in her own hands.
Nevertheless, I want to make it up to her after upsetting her, but I also want her to listen to me and think about putting herself first.
Any ideas would be welcome.
Coleen says
Go and see her, carrying an olive branch and be prepared to eat a large piece of humble pie. Apologise for the way it came out and for upsetting her, then go on to explain the frustration behind it.
Tell her what a wonderful, selfless person she is and how grateful you are for all the help she’s given you over the years, but what you want more than anything is to see her happy.
You’re right that it’s not down to other people – including you and your kids – to give your sister a life, however you can help her and you can be encouraging.
Let her know that all the things you’re saying are coming from a good place and that you’d love her to start thinking of herself more because she deserves to be happy. I believe that if you say it in the right way, she’ll go away and think about it.
Maybe you can help her to find things that would bring her joy and put her in touch with new people. You could join a club or a class with her initially to get the ball rolling or find something you both enjoy that you can do regularly once a week or once a month.
She might lack some confidence – it’s hard at any age to reset or restart – but the 50s is a particularly challenging decade for women.
She might be thinking it’s too late for her, so why not show her that it’s not? Good luck.